I’ve been away from my blog because I got pretty bored of talking about being in pain – and even more bored of actually dealing with it. Then, as if things needed more competition, my hip and leg decided to join in on the searing, burning nonsense and tried their best to rival my cluster headaches. I haven’t really been doing much except trying to survive it all while playing Minecraft.

Even that got boring eventually (and by bored, I don’t really mean bored in the traditional sense – more like completely understimulated and absolutely done with things being this way. I was having fun playing Minecraft while also being bored and in pain, which I’m not sure makes sense, but it does to me).

So I decided – despite the hip pain, despite the cluster headaches – I was going to go to Cardiff with my son. I needed something different, and I wanted that something different to be with him.

Playing Minecraft with him really helped. I even built a luxury yacht like the one I have in GTA V so we could go “on holiday” away from my home base. It was good. It gave me something to do, somewhere to go, even if it was virtual. But I wanted the excursion with my son to be real.

I don’t have a luxury yacht, but I can buy train tickets.

The Abrupt Awakening

I was woken up early by fire alarm testing, and then, as if that wasn’t enough, the workmen on the scaffolding continued their daily chorus of metallic bangs, with a drill accompaniment. There was no getting back to sleep.

I was a bit annoyed, because early waking has been making my clusters much worse, which it did – I woke up with one. It also makes my joint pain worse. My hip pain has been searing, shooting into my thigh, and making my knee feel unstable, loud with popping and clicking. I was still determined to go to Cardiff with my son though.

So I drank my much needed coffee, put on my knee sleeves (once I found them, as they were hiding from me because I had put them somewhere safe), and hoped for the best.

On the way there, I started to worry a little. Even getting to the train station was difficult. I’ve also been struggling with my anxiety and my mental health overall, so I found myself thinking about how unfair it is that I have to work so hard, fight so much, just to do something fun through all this pain.

I kept shaking my head as if I could physically shake the thoughts away, which only made my head hurt more.

At the train station, I gave myself a talking to. There is no point waiting for a “good day”. I’ve already been waiting for over two weeks, and if I wait two more, my son will be back at uni. Being in pain is completely out of my control, so I will just have to work hard to have a good day. This is the life I have right now, and right now, it just so happens to be really painful.

Luckily, we didn’t have to wait long for a train. After taking pictures of Biscoff Junior the bear, we boarded, and thankfully – despite how busy it was – we managed to get seats.

The Train and the Horseys

On the train, after taking pictures of my son’s frog and my bear together, I stared in silence out of the window. Despite my outward silence, my brain was so loud. I was aware of everything – the man in front of me learning languages on Duolingo, the fields flying past the window.

Then I saw a whole bunch of horses, and a childlike version of me emerged suddenly as I pointed and said to my son, “Look! Horseys over there”.

I started wondering what it would be like to live in the middle of nowhere like those houses were – just fields, and more fields, mostly full of horses. I wondered what their infrastructure was like, whether they could get internet at all. I can barely get internet and I live in a city – they live between two. I even wondered if Tesco delivers there.

I like to imagine that if money was no object, I’d live somewhere like that. But the lack of internet is probably a deal breaker. Although then I thought, maybe taking care of horses takes up so much time that they’re not googling Minecraft redstone farms at 3am anyway. Then I wondered why they have horses. They looked wild. And finally, I wondered what it’s like to be a horse.

I’m sure it’s not just my often childlike wonder, but also escapism. Minecraft has been working well, but being a horse? Horses don’t have to worry about the things humans worry about – the things I’m currently worrying about. Although they did have to worry about becoming a Tesco lasagne at one point, so at least I don’t have to worry about that.

Despite my thoughts about being a horse becoming slightly unhinged, this was exactly the kind of playground my brain had been asking for. Endless stimulation. Outside. Finally.

I do love the train. I’d happily travel all the way to Scotland and back and stay on the train the entire time. I know my brain would love it, if my many hours just spent riding the Cyberpunk 2077 metro is anything to go by. This is exactly why people play train simulator games, isn’t it? Those people are my people.

Anyway, since I was on a real train, it was time to disembark in Cardiff city centre – which has much less chance of causing unhinged thoughts about horses.

Caerdydd Canolog

All of the train station announcements, both in Cardiff and back home, are in Welsh and English, as are all the signs. It always makes me wish I spoke more Welsh. It’s often sparked periodic Duolingo hyperfixations – maybe the man on the train in front of me was learning Welsh too.

I always try to say the train announcements yn cymraeg in my head as they’re spoken, but I never quite manage it. I do love the word “canolog” though – it just makes sense. Central. Middle. It feels like Welsh does that a lot, makes things feel like they belong where they are. Despite the fact I can only speak a little and struggle to repeat the announcements, seeing Welsh everywhere just feels like home. Cardiff is the capital of Wales, so it feels like the capital of home.

I focused on all the signs to get through the busy station, which felt pretty overwhelming as I haven’t left the house much. But as soon as we got outside, I felt that familiar “home away from home” feeling, and we set about finding as many cute shops as we could – Cardiff has LOADS of them.

The Cutest Shops in Wales

We went to Kenji first. Last time we went, I regretted not getting the little customisable notebook sets they have – I thought they were so cute. It was my son’s birthday then, so I wanted to focus on him and ended up buying him all the frog items we could find.

They had even more frog things this time, so he picked up a really cute pencil case and some little stationery bits to go with it. This time, I didn’t talk myself out of getting something for myself. I bought a really cute customisable blue notebook cover with a little polar bear embroidery patch, and two notebooks to go inside it, both with my favourite type of paper for writing – squared paper. I thought it would also come in handy for sketching out Minecraft build designs.

After Kenji, we went to look at all the new Jellycats, but we’ve both become a bit disillusioned with them. I still love my bears – my huge Bart bear, Biscoff the First, is still my favourite – but the prices have gone up and I don’t think they’re worth what they’re currently priced at. There are also quality issues, and it’s become more of a flex to have the Jellycat tag and loads of them, rather than because they’re actually cute or mean something.

They’ve become a bit like owning 200 Stanley cups when you only need two to three litres of water a day. No one needs 200 of anything.

I really care about everything I own meaning something. I don’t collect anything just because of the brand name. Each of my Jellycats means something to me for different reasons. Biscoff means a lot to me because I got him right at the start of ED recovery, and he was there through all the late night, extreme hunger Biscoff chaos of early recovery.

Instead of Jellycats, I’ve been loving Miffy. My son came home one day with a tiny one, and I loved it so much he bought me one too. So when we went into The Little Welsh Co and saw a bigger, fluffier one, I really wanted it – something I could actually hug. The tiny ones are adorable, but not very huggable. They remind me so much of my son and us bonding over our shared love of plushies.

They also had a tiny, very cute bara brith – basically a Welsh fruit cake, but actually edible, unlike regular fruitcake, which always feels like an insult. I wanted to get that because I need to remind myself what it tastes like. After making Welsh cakes, I’d like to try making that too. I need to make all the Welsh things.

My son surprised me at the till by taking them out of my hands and paying for both. That was so sweet of him, I melted – not unlike the way my butter will melt on the bara brith later.

We had a look through a few more shops, but then my clusters started threatening me quite badly, and my hip was KILLING me. So we went to Costa to sit down and have more coffee. I was hoping it would help with the searing, hot pain of what felt like an invisible electric screwdriver near my eye.

Costa Coffee

My son was happy to get his favourite sausage bap from Costa, along with a frozen mango drink, and I had an iced Americano. It was much needed, as it was randomly the hottest day of the year so far. Heat on top of exertion makes my clusters worse, so I thought an iced coffee would help more plus I could drink it faster, which always seems to help.

I got my Miffy bunny out of his box, which for obvious meme reasons made me think of Con Air, and sat him with our plushies at the table. Then I kind of zoned out for a while. I tend to do that when I’m in a lot of pain – I just exit reality for a bit.

I was brought back quite suddenly by not feeling well at all. Sometimes I get this dizzy spin with the clusters that makes me feel nauseous and anxious. It felt like the world tilted, like Costa was suddenly on a boat on the high seas instead of stationary on the high street.

I held onto the table as I felt like I might fall off the chair, but thankfully it passed. I smiled at my son, who was on his phone, and then stared at our plushies to ground myself back into the moment – a soft moment, but still a painful one.

I haven’t really been using my phone much lately, I was literally just staring into space like Dexter mid monologue. I only used my phone today to take photos. Mostly I’ve been in my own head, or on Minecraft, trying to escape it and the pain it’s been causing me since I last posted. I’ve barely even opened social media.

After resting for a while, we got ready to leave, and it suddenly dawned on me that I hadn’t really been present. So I asked my son if he liked his sausage bap and his drink. He said he did – that Costa is the best for sausage baps – and I asked him where he wanted to go next.

We decided on HMV and the TV and movie merchandise shops.

We Are Legion

In one of the merchandise shops, they had beautiful figurines of Commander Shepard and Legion from Mass Effect. I fell in love immediately. I wanted to get them, but they were £70 each – a bit steep for me – but I really enjoyed looking at them.

Legion was incredibly detailed, one of the best figurines I’ve ever seen. I thought about how meaningful it was that it was specifically those two. I often think about the conversations Shepard and Legion had. They were so philosophical, owing to Legion being a very advanced – and eventually fully sentient – AI. I’ve always felt that the AIs in Mass Effect teach you more about what it actually means to be human.

“Hope sustains organics in periods of difficulty. We… admire the concept.”

I had to drag myself away. My son even very kindly offered to pay for half so I could get the Commander Shepard one, but I already have so much Mass Effect stuff, and my tiny flat desperately needs a massive clear-out. Maybe one day, when I’ve made some space.

Still, I enjoyed looking at them. Enjoyed them being in a shop and not online. That was enough for me to appreciate them today. It was definitely a highlight of my whole day – I got properly excited seeing them.

We also braved Lush. I knew it might trigger a cluster headache, but I really wanted to get some things for when my clusters are over, as their strong scents set them off and I miss using all my nice-smelling products during an episode. I’ve even had near constant attacks before just from the smell of shampoo wafting around my face.

I really enjoy using them as soon as I’m out of an episode, so it felt worth it.

I also needed to get some oat cream, as the entire back of my left leg has exploded in dermatitis – all up my calf and thigh. It’s really nasty. Honestly, my whole body is a bit of a mess right now.

Still, I thought it would be nice to have something I can use now. It’s only mildly scented, so there’s that – silver linings and all. My leg may have exploded into a mess of dermatitis, but at least I now have Lush products I can use during a cluster episode.

After seeing a few more shops – mostly just getting excited about things – and buying cookies, we decided to head to Black Sheep Coffee before going back to the train station.

Black Sheep Coffee and Home

My son raves about Black Sheep Coffee, but unfortunately it seemed to be an off day and he said it wasn’t as nice as it usually is. He had a lemon and lime drink and I had a passionfruit one. I still really liked it and totally take his word for it being better – he has very high standards and knows exactly what he likes.

I loved the atmosphere though, especially the art on the walls matching the music. I also really loved another sit down.

We were especially grateful for that when we got on the train and realised it was so busy we had to stand the entire way home. I was in so much pain – it felt like some kind of Olympic level event, except with a burning hip I didn’t consent to.

I held on tightly to the bars and tried to take the weight off my lower body by hanging from them. It kind of worked. Thank goodness for the upper body strength I’ve built in recovery. I was stood so close to the door though that when a train went past us, it made me jump and I shouted “SHIT” loudly. My son laughed, and then so did I. Whoops.

When we got back to our city, we grabbed some easy food for dinner and headed home. I can’t even remember the journey back from there – I don’t quite know how I did it after standing on the train. I was in so much pain. But it was so worth it.

It was so good to get out. It was a good day – the best one I’ve had in a while, despite the pain still being there.

For the rest of the evening, we ate dinner, had our Millie’s cookies from Cardiff, stayed mostly stationary, and dealt with the extra cluster attacks from the exertion and the heat.

But it was still a good day.

Sometimes life doesn’t give you a good day for two weeks, so you have to make your own. It sucks that it’s still a struggle to have fun, but days can be good even with struggle.

This song feels pretty perfect for today:-