Grief, ED recovery, Mental Health and all the lovely things that give my Sisyphean rock meaning
Grief is a wave function. It runs in the background, unseen, until it collapses. I held mine off for years to be strong for my son. But after 2023, it caught up with me — and I’m still petrified. Grief, love, fear — it’s all tangled. And this isn’t even everything.
Frankie Frog, my son’s Build-a-Bear, became a harbinger of connection during a dark year of grief and relapse. We threw him a birthday party with cake, sandwiches, and Froggy wine. He’s more than a plushie — he’s comfort, chaos, and a reminder that love and joy persist, even through the fog.
Grief and relapse go hand in hand. The person I’d turn to for strength is the one I’m grieving. I’ve retreated into survival mode — the airlock, as I call it. It numbs the grief and quiets my thoughts, but it’s a trap. Right now? It’s where I am
Self care is supposed to help you feel better, but when you’re battling depression, it can feel like a chore with little payoff. I created Pinterest-worthy spaces and tried everything, but the crash still came. At least now I know: it’s better to cry in a cosy haven.
In the quiet chaos of ED recovery, one bowl of cheesy beans becomes a battle cry. From airlocks and equilibrium to the bittersweet flood of emotions, this is a story of nourishment, resilience, and small victories that taste like hope. A journey back to life, one cheesey bean at a time.
Navigating life near a depression black hole, I find hope in small moments: pigeons at my window, a Blueberry fan club, and physics books that ground me. Even when it feels impossible, these moments remind me who I am — a person who celebrates love, connection, and the light within
As I approach my 41st birthday, I reflect on the complexities of life: grief from losing my best friend, WeeGee, and ongoing battles with mental illness. Birthdays remind me of love lost and the importance of healing, which is not about curing but living amidst struggles. My journey continues, intertwined with memories and resilience.
Having my castle collapse — and now rebuilding it — is the metaphor I’m using for my eating disorder and my recovery from it. Being concise isn’t exactly my strong suit, probably thanks to ADHD — I could talk for Wales! So I thought my castle-building updates deserved their own space. These posts won’t follow …
Continue reading The Night We Met – Castle Building Update – 10 November
I went shopping in Marks & Spencer today with my teen. We were there to pick up some treats after our Specsavers adventure, and as I looked into the sandwich fridge through the crowd of work people frantically grabbing their meal-deal lunches, there it was — the Turkey Feast sandwich, in all its festive glory. …
Continue reading Be More Kind – Grief and The Battle of the Corporate Festive Sandwiches
I often get asked how I can take my plushies outside, beyond my castle walls, so openly as a 40-year-old. Given my chronic anxiety and self-consciousness, it’s a very valid question! I thought I’d share how I came to carry them so openly in public, why I do it, and maybe it will help you, …
Continue reading Brave – How I Take My Jellycat Plushies Out In Public
Absurd Universe 