I have been on medications for my mental illness for 13 years. Every month for the last 13 years I’ve had near enough the same prescription of Quetiapine, plus or minus a new anti depressant. Despite this, there’s nearly always a problem with it every few months, and that’s what I woke up Friday having to deal with. My medication was overdue and I hadn’t had a text from Boots (A pharmacy) to say it had been done and I was quickly running out.

I have had so much stress this week, I haven’t even written about all of it, but Thursday was an absolute NIGHTMARE so I was expecting Friday to be the same. Thankfully, my medication issues turned out to be an easy fix and the day turned out to be a much needed break from all the stress. Before my day got going, there was my new favourite coffee to drink.

But First Coffee, again.

Friday started like every morning — with two Tassimo Americanos. I buy them in bulk since it’s cheaper, and I always end up finding ones that aren’t sold in shops anyway. My current coffee hyperfixation is L’Or XL intense. It’s STUNNING, and has a lovely coffee cream on top. I sat drinking it staring out of the window half in a Quetiapine stupor, and half in an anxious state for the fear of having to sort out my meds.

My son had offered to come with me, and honestly, that alone made the day feel a little brighter. He’d been back at University all week, and I’d REALLY missed him. A coffee trip together sounded like exactly what I needed. That’s the thought that helped me go and get dressed after my coffee despite feeling horrendous and exhausted from my week. I really need a rest, but I have to get everything sorted first.

I threw on the only outfit that fits me and did my best to make my hair look less like a 90s troll doll and more like a passable human disguise. Then, after grabbing my Jellycat bartholomew bee bear to take with me, we left. I made sure not to eat anything at all after Tuesday’s absolute disaster (if you know, you know), I wasn’t about to make that mistake again.

Boots Doesn’t Sell Shoes.

Despite its name, Boots doesn’t sell shoes. What it does sell, however, is the gift of frustration via their pharmacy queue system.

After getting into the city centre, we headed straight to Boots. Sometimes when there’s a problem with my meds, they need an hour or so to fix it, so we figured if that happened, we could just go sit in Starbucks and wait. Once inside, we went straight to the pharmacy counter to queue and ask for more, please — like a mentally ill Oliver Twist.

The queue in Boots is always nerve-wracking. I don’t understand why, when it’s always a long wait, they don’t have a ticket system with seats. No one queues up for medication because they’re doing great. If anything, these are the people most likely to need a seat — and I know I do. My hips were on fire from standing still.

I am, however, the most outwardly patient person ever. I never make a fuss, and I’ve waited in Boots for over an hour before because they forgot I was there. It took me that long to politely say, “Ever so sorry, but I have been waiting for over an hour now — no worries, just wondering if everything is okay?”

Internally? It’s a completely different story. My brain is screaming at me to leave.

“Let’s just go we don’t need meds, it’ll be fine.”
“PLEASE LET US GO HOME.”
“I WANT TO GO TO STARBUCKS.”

I start getting really antsy, and the sensory hellscape of Boots does not help — overly bright fluorescent lights, children running amok, babies screaming. It’s unbearable. But there I am, cosplaying the most patient person that ever existed.

When I finally get to the counter, the relief is instant. So much so, I go full British politeness mode:

Pharmacist: “Sorry for the wait.”
Me: “Oh, no worries at all! I have nothing better to do, take your time, it’s fine!”

(Internally: PRAISE THE PHARMACY GODS, I AM FREE.)

While waiting, I had been rehearsing what to say over and over again, preparing myself to be assertive in case something went wrong. But thankfully, it was fine. The pharmacist checked my prescription, said he had no idea why they hadn’t contacted me, handed me my meds, and that was that.

It was far easier than I was expecting — the relief was IMMENSE. Finally, something had gone right. The dopamine rush from that tiny win was the best I had felt all week. And there was only one logical way to keep the high going:

Window shopping and then a giant Americano at Starbucks.

The Sensory Overload of Primark

After my son found a signed book from one of his favourite authors, Holly Jackson, in Waterstones — and was so EXCITED about it — we felt brave enough to tackle the ultimate assault on the senses: Primark.

I have one single outfit that fits me, and it has been driving me mad this week with how many times I’ve had to go out. Shopping for more clothes wasn’t just a want — it was a necessity.

But Primark isn’t just a sensory nightmare — it also clashes with my values. I hate the ethics of fast fashion, so the bright lights, blinding blue neon signs, and sheer chaos of the place felt like an assault on my principles as much as my senses.

However, I don’t want to buy nice, long-term clothes in the size I currently am due to my relapse. That would just make the thought of recovery even harder. And, of course, I still have to be careful with money. So here I was, braving Primark, because sometimes survival mode wins.

After rummaging through the chaos, I actually found some wins. I got a mauve hoodie for just £4, and I love that it says “You got this” on the front. It feels weirdly appropriate. I also found a few cheap tops — one of them only £2.50. Until now, I had a pair of leggings I couldn’t wear because I didn’t have a long enough top — and now, I do.

With these purchases, I went from one outfit to three.

Now, if there’s another adult responsibility emergency (like the multiple ones that happened this week), I won’t have to panic wash my clothes. That alone made the assault on my senses and values worth it.

Afterwards, we headed straight for an aura cleanse at our favourite shop.

New Pastures Home

Every time I walk into New Pastures Home, the beautiful crystal and candle shop, it feels like a home away from home. I’m sure I’ve talked about it before — because I adore this place. It’s the kind of shop that makes me wish I were ridiculously rich, just so I could sink an obscene amount of money into crystals, pretty ornaments, and candles.

I’m not sure I believe in aura cleansing, but I also can’t otherwise explain the vibes in this shop. There’s just something about it. The staff are always SO LOVELY, and they even run candle-making workshops. I think I’d like to try one someday — if I can get a little more mentally stable. It would definitely trigger my anxiety, but maybe that would be worth it, since I love it here so much.

At home, I already have a few moon-shaped crystals from this shop, and they add so much warmth to my space. Every night, I sleep next to a carnelian and quartz moon, and when I wake up, it’s the first thing I look at. It’s so comforting.

We were mostly window shopping, but my son found a beautiful pair of green mushroom-shaped crystal earrings.

Of course, I immediately encouraged him: “Oh, you should DEFINITELY buy those.” The shop assistant thought it was funny. My son doesn’t like spending money on himself, and I’m always the bad influence who encourages him. But let’s be real — he doesn’t need help saving money. He needs help knowing it’s okay to treat himself once in a while.

I managed to resist most temptations, but I couldn’t walk away without more wax melts. They’re such AMAZING quality for the price (2 for £5), so I picked up “Moonlit Garden” and “Nordic Ice.”

Moonlit Garden is my new favourite. It smells like fresh, minty night air — stunning, cosy, and so relaxing. I could have stayed in that shop for hours, but after not fuelling myself all day, I was exhausted and running on fumes. So we headed to Starbucks.

I Wish All Food Made Me Feel As Safe As A Jellycat Cinnamon Bun.

We walked into Starbucks expecting to see the usual barista that knows us, only to find a new barista working. However, he was GREAT too! He loved that we were carrying our plushies openly and started telling us about his own special interests. Turns out, he’s into horror games — the same ones my son loves — so it was amazing watching them light up and get excited talking about them.

This is the kind of interaction I live for. Not, “Cold out there, isn’t it?” but “Okay, so here’s my special interest — what’s yours?”

After getting excited about fandoms and ordering a Mocha and a sausage bap for my son, I got myself an Americano, and we went to sit down with our plushies to recharge.

I sat there debating whether or not to eat. In the end, I decided to just have the emergency biscuits I carry around for low blood sugar — Biscoff, dunked in my coffee. It’s still a hyperfixation snack. Right now, I am as hyperfixated on Biscoff as everyone on my TikTok For You Page seems to be. I reasoned with myself: I’ve had Biscoff at Starbucks before. Nothing TERRIBLE happened. And even if it did, we were going straight home after this anyway.

As we sat there, taking cute photos and videos of our plushies drinking coffee, I borrowed my son’s newest Jellycat — a cinnamon bun — for a video. He also brought Frankie the Frog, and I couldn’t help but think: I wish food felt as non-threatening to me as this cinnamon bun.

My son named him “Saul Goodbun.” We both love Better Call Saul and have wanted to try Cinnabon ever since, but we don’t have one here. His Jellycat cinnamon bun was partly because of that — and partly because it’s just ridiculously cute. But nothing is as cute as my son taking pictures of his plushies, and feeding Frankie the Frog his mocha.

After our recharge, we went to pick up some groceries so we could avoid another shopping trip for a while. Then, we were finally ready to go home.

Home Sweet Home

Walking into my flat was instant relief. It was freezing outside, the kind of bone-deep cold that lingers, but stepping into the warmth of home felt like exhaling a breath I’d been holding all day.

But it wasn’t just the warmth — I felt utter RELIEF on every level. I set out to get my meds, and I actually got them. That’s one less weight pressing down on me. Tonight, I can go to bed without counting how many I have left, without that gnawing anxiety.

By this point, I was so hungry I couldn’t think about anything else. All I could focus on was finally sitting down with my beans and the new bread I picked up from Iceland. But before that, my son and I unpacked the shopping, ranting about the absolute audacity of Iceland being more expensive than Asda. Seriously — HOW?! Some things were even cheaper in Marks and Spencer. That’s OUTRAGEOUS.

Once everything was put away, I changed into pyjamas, lit my new Moonlit Garden wax melt (which filled the air with the cosiest, most relaxing scent), and curled up under a blanket with Moofasa, my Jellycat cow. I sat there, electrolytes in hand, waiting for Clippy’s (my ED) scheduled bean time.

And let me just say, the malted wholegrain loaf I got? AMAZING. It was a bit of a challenge because Clippy wanted me to get the lower numbers loaf but I knew I’d like this one. Even though Clippy was shouting at me to leave some so the numbers would work out, and the whole thing was anxiety-inducing, it was absolutely DELICIOUS. Finally fed, my son got back to his Uni work, and I settled in to edit my photos and blog about the day.

I’m so ready to rest this weekend. I’m so EXHAUSTED and still dealing with my depressive episode — but somehow, this day turned out so much better than I expected.

Maybe that’s the trick to all of this, and people have it backwards. The day I went to get my birth certificate, I had so much hope, and everything went horribly. But today I woke up stressed, anxious, convinced something would go wrong, and yet it turned into a pretty good (if exhausting) day.

The universe doesn’t care about my hope.

It just is. I’m glad our Universe was the way it was today and that’s more than enough. I had a do over of the day that wasn’t, and it really did help.

Heres my current hyperfixation song. It has nothing to do with this post, it’s just what my brain has been playing CONSTANTLY over and over.