Chaos doesn’t even begin to describe the last few weeks. I’ve been dealing with the equilibrium of life — everything, everywhere, all at once — and honestly? I’ve barely been keeping my head above water. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from living with mental illness, it’s that you have to grab onto something — ANYTHING — to keep from being pulled under.

It’s not always the big things that keep me going. Sometimes, it’s the smallest things: the warmth of a coffee on a rainy day, the feel of fresh bedsheets, my Jellycats, a book I haven’t finished yet. When I’m stuck in the gravitational pull of a black hole, these are the things that remind me to keep moving forward, even when escaping a black hole feels impossible.

So for you, and for me, here are the lights that helped me still see in the darkness of the void this week — not because they erased the chaos, not because they magically changed my week into a fairyland of butterflies and rainbows, not because they propelled me out of the black hole breaking all known laws of physics, but because they gave me something to hold onto.

My quasars orbiting the black hole.

Reporting Live from the BBC

On Tuesday, my son who is currently 19, visited BBC Wales headquarters and live-texted me his experience. My son has a quirky and adorable aura. He’s usually dressed in cute “uwu” Gen Z fashion, often carrying a bear or a Build-A-Bear frog. Because of this, people sometimes assume he isn’t also a strong, highly intelligent individual.

He often gives people whiplash. We’ve met plenty who look at his exterior and mistakenly think they can run right over him, treat him like a child or take advantage — only to be stunned when he stands firm, armed with his diplomatic emotional and educational intelligence. It’s a kind of whiplash that can also be ABSOLUTELY hilarious at times, and that’s exactly what happened at the BBC.

My son is trans, and during the talk, a BBC staff member launched into one of those self-flagellating speeches about how progressive the BBC is for employing diverse individuals. Without hesitation, my son responded, “Why would I want to work for you? How can you claim to be progressive when you sacrifice proper representation for impartiality?”

He texted me this, and I just stared at my phone, and couldn’t help but laugh imagining the speaker stood in BBC headquarters, seeing my son with his bear on the seat beside him, looking so adorable while hearing him deliver this flawless intelligent takedown. And, just to hammer the final nail in the coffin, he ended with: “If you have to keep saying you’re progressive, then you are not.”

My son’s live texting of his brilliance and courage despite his understandable frustration really cheered me up that day and it wasn’t the only day my son and the pride I have for him helped me.

The River Walk

I had a really bad Wednesday. Actually, it was an ABSOLUTE SHITSHOW. But before everything fell apart, my son and I took Roxy, my Jellycat fox, for a walk by the river. He brought his pink frog, Harrie. And for that moment? It was fun. Both of these things are true.

Wednesday was such a SHITSHOW that I’ve actually written a whole post about it, which will be published soon. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that, for a little while, we felt peace by the river. Roxy and Harrie watching the water made me smile, and later, when we got home, my son gave me his fox, Scully, to hug — since Roxy was still in quarantine from being outside.

I hugged Scully all night long because Roxy had helped me SO MUCH during the absolute battle my eating disorder has turned grocery shopping into.

The river walk was proof that moments of calm exist, even on the most chaotic of days.

The Adorable Hearty Barties.

Making micro macramé is both fun and incredibly tedious. The tiny bags take just as long to make as the larger ones. I’ll spend an hour on a tiny bag and feel like I’ve made no progress at all because it’s so small. Macramé also causes me a LOT of pain due to my joints which can harm my enjoyment and means that I can’t do it very often. But once it’s FINALLY finished? It’s too ADORABLE for words.

Tiny macramé is one of those crafts where the end result makes all the frustration worth it. But it’s not about patience — it’s about brute force determination.

That’s also why macramé is IMPOSSIBLE when I’m struggling — because if I don’t have the energy to brute-force my way through, or if the pain is too bad that I can barely move let alone make macramé, the whole thing is a non starter.

BUT this week, after procrastinating for so long that I forgot I even made these tiny bags WEEKS AGO (thanks, terrible mental health), I FINALLY took photos of them. And in doing so, I reminded myself: one day, I’ll push through again.

The lack of progress, the knots that appear out of nowhere at the end of the thread, the rib pain, the repeated chorus of WHERE ARE MY SCISSORS — I’ll deal with all of it again and I’ll create something ADORABLE for my little bears.

And I think you’ll agree they really are ADORABLE. They’re fit for a Valentines ball, in fact, I think we should have Balentines Day, for bears.

I FINISHED READING A BOOK!

I finally finished Carlo Rovelli’s There Are Places in the World Where Rules Are Less Important Than Kindness — and I absolutely LOVED it. Reading books is like micro macramé for me: it’s hard work. But the second I finished it? Oh, that book was amazing. I’m so glad I read it. I loved everything in it.

This book is about the Universe, the people in it, and Carlo’s personal reflections on both. It was incredible to hear his thoughts on so many different topics. Carlo Rovelli sees the world in a way that resonates deeply with me — though, obviously, he is far more intelligent than I am. He has that rare ability to take incredibly complex topics and make them feel like poetry.

Because the book covers such a wide range of subjects, and each section is only five to twelve minutes long, it was the perfect book to pick up whenever I had a spare moment. One of my favourite sections was about octopuses and their consciousness — absolutely FASCINATING. I highly recommend this book.

I’ve been trying to train my brain to read more books, but it’s something I’ve always struggled with due to focus, attention, and the fact that I often get understimulated. To help with this, I bought Carlo’s book on both Audible and Kindle — and the double whammy method definitely helped. That said, given how expensive it is to read this way, I’m hoping to eventually train my brain to stick to just one method.

Becoming an Anti-Capitalist Hero Thanks to Readly

Magazines have always been easier for me to read — I think it’s the pretty pictures and the natural article breaks. But recently, due to unexpected financial pressures, I’ve been trying to save money, which meant cancelling some subscriptions — one of them being Readly.

I love reading New Scientist magazine, and Readly is cheaper than a New Scientist-only subscription, because instead of just one magazine, it gives you access to the Essentials guides, back issues, and HUNDREDS of other magazines.

A few days after cancelling, Readly emailed me with a 50% off deal for six months, and obviously, I couldn’t say no. That means I get four issues of New Scientist a month for the price of one, plus all the back editions, Essentials Guides and plenty of other science magazines.

Then I had what I thought was an ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT IDEA:
If I keep this subscription, I’ll read as MANY magazines as possible — maximise my savings — and officially become a hero of anti-capitalism. It’s been three days, and I’ve already read £34.88 worth of magazines.

Now, I’m wondering: How FAR can I take this? How much money can I save? Will I truly outsmart the system? Or am I just about to get seriously burnt out on magazines and cancel it anyway? There’s only one way to find out.

One of the recent issues of New Scientist had an article suggesting we may not need the Many Worlds Interpretation anymore. If that ends up being possible, I guess that means there’s not a version of me in a parallel universe who’s an actual anti-capitalist, Johnny Silverhand-esque hero.

Looks like I’d better put my reading glasses on, then.

At the End of the Week, When All Is Said and Done….

This week was chaos incarnate. I had MANY meltdowns, became an anti-capitalist hero via a magazine subscription app, my son delivered an epic takedown of the BBC in person, and I spent a lot of time hugging Jellycats when they weren’t in quarantine. But somehow, I’m still here. These small moments helped guide me in the right direction away from the event horizon of the black hole, like a lighthouse gives ships at sea hope of reaching their destination. And honestly? I’ll take that as a WIN.

You became the light on the dark side of me… :-

This weekly update is added to the Weekend Coffee Share link up by Natalie The Explorer, feel free to join in and share your weekly update too.