I’m still in space, stuck in the airlock of my ship, near the escape horizon of a depression black hole. It formed from an abundance of events, triggers, and emotions that, under their sheer collective weight, collapsed inward to create the black hole. I’m doing what I can, though there’s only so much you can do from an airlock to keep your ship afloat — especially when your onboard computer is a Corrupted Clippy. But I’m trying. Here’s what I’ve been doing this week, even while feeling the black hole’s pull and the accompanying side effect of anhedonia.

The Airlock Visitors

I’ve been spending time with my wild wood pigeons, Squidgeon and Goose. They’ve been regular visitors to my windowsill since I bonded with them in 2020. Squidgeon is the more confident of the two, while Goose is incredibly timid. In their own ways, they provide me with stability and routine, visiting on a schedule and waiting patiently to be fed. Often, I’m spiraling — something I do quite often if I’m being honest — when I hear a tapping at my window. Squidgeon flaps excitedly when he sees me because he knows it means his favourite sunflower hearts are on the way.

The living room window they knock at becomes a physical representation of my airlock, showing me there’s a life outside it that I cannot currently access or comprehend. Despite my isolation — and breaking all the laws of physics — fluffy, round pigeons visit my airlock, even here near the black hole. Squidgeon and Goose are living proof that Corrupted Clippy is wrong: life outside the airlock exists, and I WON’T feel this way forever.

When I sit with them at my window, I think about how grateful I am to have bonded with them. They help me keep going, reminding me there are reasons to get out of bed every day, even if just to see them waiting for me to hand over the many handfuls of sunflower hearts.

The Blueberry Fan Club

Leaving my airlock, even briefly, can feel IMPOSSIBLE, especially for something as stressful as a mental health appointment (Why do they seem to make everything WORSE sometimes?). To help me get through it, I focused on a plan to make our Instagram friend Amanda smile. Amanda has a Jellycat bear called Blueberry, who wears a blue college jacket with a B on it — perfect for a bear named Blueberry. Amanda has been so kind and caring to us, and I’ve written about her on my blog before. When my teen spotted the exact same jackets at our Build-a-Bear, they bought two so we could dress our bears and start the Blueberry fan club. Blueberry is one of the cutest most ADORABLE Jellycat bears we’ve ever seen, and he, along with his equally adorable owner Amanda, deserve to be celebrated.

The day of the appointment felt the most fitting to host the first Blueberry fan club meeting and it really was. We didn’t know beforehand, but it just so happened to be Thanksgiving that day, and Amanda is American, how perfectly apt to feel and show gratitude for her. My teen met me after Uni, and we had our bears host the fan club meeting at Starbucks. We took adorable photos, enjoyed comforting bacon rolls and delicious coffee, and then walked to see the beautiful Christmas lights. We posted the photos to Instagram immediately, excited about Amanda’s reaction — and it really did bring her joy.

I realised that even if I can’t feel the full weight of joy myself, it doesn’t stop me from creating joy for others. And in doing that, I felt excitement, connection, belonging, and reasons to keep going whilst spending time with my teen in our favourite place too. Without knowing it, Amanda helped me step out of my airlock and turn a stressful day into something special. I’m so thankful for her — and for the quantum entanglement communicators that let me maintain connections with passing ships, even near the black hole.

Corrupted Clippy often tells me I’m better off withdrawing, that I’m a burden to my friends. But this wasn’t just stepping out of my airlock — it was fighting against what Corrupted Clippy says. It was resisting the black hole’s pull to shred my values and personality. It was celebrating Amanda and showing her how much she means to me. It was reminding myself of a core truth: I am someone who shouts my love for my friends from the rooftops of Instagram, not someone who abandons them. I haven’t even abandoned my best friend WeeGee, though she’s no longer with us.

Decorating My Airlock With Reminders

After Starbucks, we visited New Pastures Home, a favourite shop of ours. It’s a magical place with crystals, candles, incense, and trinkets that feels like a cosy apothecary. The comforting smells, the light from Himalayan salt lamps, and the absolutely adorable owners make it a place we always really need to visit for a quick vibe cleanse when in town.

While browsing, I spotted a penguin mug to match a wax melt burner I’d bought there before. Penguins remind me of the connection I still have with WeeGee. I miss buying her gifts for Christmas, so now, if something makes me think of her, I buy it for myself. In a way, I’m still buying it for her.

The mug and burner now sit in my airlock, decorating it with reminders of WeeGee. Even near the pull of the black hole, their presence reminds me of the love and connection that persist, even across time and space. My airlock might feel isolating, but it’s filled with pieces of the people and moments that keep me tethered to the world outside.

The Physics of Reading

For years, I’ve struggled to read anything longer than a blog post due to neurodivergence. My focus skips words and lines, leaving me rereading the same page repeatedly and also leaving me feeling broken as books are supposed to be fun and enjoyable and for years all I’ve ever felt is frustrated. It is especially frustrating as even though the topic of the book is something I’m REALLY interested in, it never helps my focus. I realised I understand TV shows better with subtitles, so I tried pairing audiobooks with physical books — and it actually WORKED.

I’m so excited to finally engage with books again, especially ones about physics, which is a core part of my personality. Physics helps me make sense of my place in the universe, redirecting my “What if…?” questions from internal worries to the cosmos and currently to Loop Quantum Gravity (LQG). But that’s a story for another time, frankly it’s taking everything not to dive into how physics is my philosophy and how much I know I LOVE LQG right here in this post.

It Wasn’t as Easy as it Sounds

I know I’ve made this all sound easy: stepping out of the airlock, finding little sparks in moments, celebrating friends, and decorating my space. But it wasn’t. It was hard — REALLY hard. After Starbucks, after that stressful mental health appointment, I had a complete meltdown, one of MANY this week. I felt like I’d been ripped apart on numerous occasions by the black hole’s gravity.

Even so, I can still see the light those moments gave me, almost like I am doing it just for the me who I know is still in there. This wasn’t me magically overcoming anything — it was me trying to fight like hell* and refusing to let the black hole consume everything. It was messy, exhausting, and full of grief for how I used to feel about all of this.

But fighting to keep all of myself from the black hole, even when Corrupted Clippy asks, “What’s the point, you don’t feel the enjoyment you usually feel so what is the point in even trying?” is exactly what my future self will thank me for. I can’t, “Choose happy” anhedonia existing proves that’s not a thing a person can do, but I can choose not to let it swallow everything and that has to be enough, for now.

Yeah I just gotta keep on keeping on. :-

*I had to put a Mass Effect reference in this post somewhere

(Images :- All photographs my own)