It’s been a whole month since I blogged again! Oops.
I’m currently still hiding from the entire world, because, due to my current mental health, everything outside my four walls feels too scary and stressful.
It’s not like there’s much relief inside of my mental health containment bubble, though, I have severe anxiety pretty much all of the time from the moment I wake up, which is the absolute enemy of feeling safe and relaxed.
There are also some deep feelings that have resurfaced that I am currently running from. Since I’m in recovery, and have to keep eating, it feels like my brain has resorted to coping by shutting down. Avoidance. A big, giant wall that I don’t know how to punch through.
I’m scared of punching through it, too, because I just don’t want to feel. Which is a perfect recipe for Corrupted Clippy – what I call my ED – to get very loud.
I guess I wanted to write a little update to say I’m still surviving… somehow. It definitely hasn’t been all bad, though. There are new penguins, art and other things I’ve been excited about.
The Enemy of My Enemy is Feeling
The annoying thing about eating disorder recovery is that you can be doing much better, not thinking about food as much, pushing yourself to eat more BUT THEN, something happens and you’re right back in the thick of it again.
That’s what happened to me recently.
I was doing really well. Eating more food, not weighing myself as much, and also not tracking my food except for protein.
Then I made cheese on toast. I’d had been craving it for ages. Actually, I blame my son he told me about the AMAZING cheese toastie he had at Black Sheep, and I’d wanted cheese on toast ever since.
So. I made it. I didn’t weigh the cheese, and sat down to watch Netflix.
Since then, I’ve been really struggling with my ED again. My ED immediately blamed my audacity to have unweighed cheese on toast.
“it was too much food”, “You did not need that much cheese” “You should eat less today to make up for eating that yesterday”.
And I felt horrendous and I started skipping things again.
The thing is, the cheese on toast was completely irrelevant, apart from the fact it was amazingly delicious and finally settling a craving I’d had for months.
It was, instead, what I was watching on Netflix that triggered me.
I didn’t want to feel any of the feelings and emotions the show brought up so my brain latched on to the cheese on toast instead and suggested it was somehow the harbinger of my deep sadness and grief.
I watched the Matthew Perry documentary. It was amazing, and so well done in explaining his drug and alcohol use, and more importantly explained what an addiction really is.
My dad is an alcoholic, he’s also disabled, really funny, intelligent, and, most importantly, I do not know where he is, I haven’t known for six years, and I miss him so much.
I usually swallow this grief, it feels like I’m not allowed to grieve for him because for all I know, he’s still alive.
The last time I saw him was also the year my best friend, WeeGee died. I felt like grieving for her made more sense, considering she is actually not on this planet anymore, whereas my dad, for all i know, is.
So, day to day, I swallow the grief, holding on to the hope that he might come back again. Except it always surfaces, eventually. This is probably the longest I’ve gone without hearing anything AT ALL and now I’m really worried.
Anyway, I just really miss him.
I wish I knew where he was, and I’m grieving pretty bad for him whilst worrying about his welfare at the moment.
My ED seduces me with the promise of not having to feel anything. Sometimes it’s particularly hard to fight, especially when you don’t even realise you’re following along with it, because you’re just so sad or anxious that you’re not even hungry.
So my ED has been pretty difficult lately.
This Drawing is My Silent Hill
Despite my mental health I have been enjoying art. It’s still such a novelty to be able to do it at all.
At first, I thought it was going to take a long while to regain the skills I had before I gave up. It did take quite a few attempts to get my bearings, and relearn all of the techniques I’d forgotten.
BUT THEN
I started making art BETTER than before.
At first I didn’t know what was going on, until I realised that strength training gave me more than just the physical ability to make art again. It had also affected how I approached my art.
As I now HATE strength training, it’s easy to think, “Oh, I’ll just get rid of some of these exercises I LOATHE, or I’ll reduce the weight and just swing the weights about and then that’ll be it”.
But that’s a slipperly slope.
Instead I approach it as, “If I have to spend this long doing it, I may as well do it properly, with my full available effort, or I’ve literally wasted even more of my time”.
Because increasing strength requires consistent effort, and apparently dedication to the mediocrity of doing the same exercises over and over again. Nothing really happens if you just swing the weights around and call it a day.
I started applying that frame of mind to my art. Now it takes MUCH LONGER to complete my art, but I like the results far better.
I remember I used to have the “that’s good enough” mentality, especially when my brain was full of ideas for my next art piece and wanted to move on. So there would often be some rushing toward the end.
My art now is what happens when I don’t. And I started realising how much my art benefitted from that change. It was technically better than it was when I had to give it up.
I think part of it is also about the break. I think I previously took art for granted, but now I’ve got it back after years of not being able to do it, I want to give every piece the dedication it deserves.
I didn’t know my last art piece in 2021 would be my last art piece for years.
Anyway, I drew Simon and the portable TV player from Silent Hill, because my son and I really enjoyed the new Townfall game.
I loved Simon’s character model, and as soon as I saw him I wanted to draw him. Portraits have always been a weak point of mine, so I was shocked at how well Simon came out.
Drawing Simon and the TV was very apt for my current mood as I currently feel like I am in my own Silent Hill. The weight of everything chasing me around, and I keep reliving the same things over and over again and I just want to hide in a locker until it’s safe. Guess the weight in my Silent Hill would be made of undigested cheese on toast.
I’m currently working on Interstellar drawings, hopefully there will be a post about that soon.
With my mental health the way it is, all I want to do is just draw art and have everything beside my son, leave me alone. It is a tad impressive to me that I have drawn everything so far in between cluster headache attacks.
Other Little Glimmers
My son recently surprised me with a whole family of plushie penguins. They were supposed to be for my birthday next month, but he was so excited he gave them to me as they arrived. He bought me two little ones and a medium-sized one.
I really wanted more mini ones as I get really afraid of taking the one I already had outside.
That little penguin, Jellytot, means so much to me because WeeGee’s favourite animal was a penguin. It was also the first thing I said to her when we met, “I think you’re as cool as penguins”, to which she replied, “I LOVE PENGUINS”. And long story short we were best friends after that.
I was so grateful to my son, and my little family of penguins has helped me so much recently.
Cyberpunk 2077 released ANOTHER update, and it made me very excited. I’ve had a play around with it, and I absolutely LOVE that they’ve added dual pistols because I immediately had a build in mind : Root, and the Machine from Person of Interest.
My son and I have become OBSESSED with Person of Interest. It’s now one of our favourite shows. I had NEVER heard of it before, I can’t believe that I haven’t even seen a meme of it when the show is this GOOD.
Anyway, I don’t think I’m in the right frame of mind to play Cyberpunk 2077 currently. But I did play the new mission they added which was REALLY GOOD, and I’m looking forward to another playthrough when I feel a bit better.
Cyberpunk is not a good place to hide. Instead it tends to become a mirror and show the feelings I’ve been hiding on the screen in front of me.
I do hope this hiding era ends soon. Until then, I’m going to finish my current Interstellar drawing.
The hiding anthem :-
