I often write “Little Lights in the Dark” posts to remind myself of the good things that keep me going. But over the past few weeks, most of those lights have been my son. And calling him a little light feels wrong – he’s not one. He’s a huge one.

I don’t talk about my son very often here, at least not in detail about his life separate from mine. There are a lot of reasons for that. One of them is that he’s studying to be a journalist, and I know if he ever chose to tell his own story, he’d write it better than I ever could.

But I need to write this post – for me and so he knows how much I appreciate him. Because lately, he’s been more than my son. He’s been the Sun in my dark little universe, shining through the void. I’ve been the Earth, orbiting just close enough to stay warm and alive. And I don’t think he even realises how much life he’s given me lately.

He’s So Loving and Generous

Jellycat recently released their summer collection, and my son was very excited about getting the new whale shark. To avoid them selling out at our favourite independent shops, he ordered one directly from the Jellycat website the moment it became available.

Later that week, he still went to the shops to pick out a Jellycat coral – he wanted the experience of choosing one in person. But while browsing, he saw a whale shark sitting on the shelf all lonely… and that was it. He carried the whale around the store with him, and by the time he reached the till, he was in LOVE. He had bonded. That whale shark was now his son and his SOULMATE.

Even though he already had one in the post, he couldn’t bear to leave this one behind – he paid for the coral and his new fishy child.

When he got home, whale shark in hand, he admitted he felt a bit bad about buying a second one. But the idea of leaving it behind made him sad. I asked how much the whale had been, because honestly, he was adorable, and I’ve always loved sharks. Without missing a beat, he said, “OH, you can have him! Then we can MATCH! As a gift!”

Cue my excitement: there was now a Jellycat whale shark on the way to me. Matching Jellycat Sharks! I instantly thought of the perfect name – Sharky, like Sharky and George: the crimebusters of the sea (Anyone else remember that?). Our whale sharks are Sharky and Bob though, as my son called his Bob.

I offered to pay him back, but he just let me have Sharky. That felt so deeply kind. When Sharky then arrived, he really lifted my spirits. I hugged him all night, thinking about how sweet and thoughtful my son is.

He’s Brave and Kind

My son had to go to the dentist recently, and he was really anxious about it. Despite the fatigue I’d been struggling with, I said I’d go with him for some m-oral support. (Yes, I said it. Yes, I’m proud of it.)

Fun fact: my son was born without quite a few adult teeth, so at 20 years old, he still has some baby teeth. They’re his forever teeth now, which makes dentist appointments really stressful – he always worries about the longevity of his little teeth.

I was so proud of him for going anyway, and he was so appreciative that I came with him. After the dentist gave him the all-clear (perfect teeth, doing fine), he decided to thank me in the most adorable way – by buying me a Pompompurin keyring from The Entertainer. He picked out a Kuromi one for himself and was so happy because, “We can have matching keyrings if I get you one too!” Bless him. I loved it instantly and clipped it onto my bag the second he handed it to me.

He’s Joyful and Creative

After the dentist, we took our plushies to Starbucks for a little caffeine-fuelled adventure. I’ve written about it on the blog before, but honestly, I’ll keep writing about it – I love those moments with him so much. Watching him take storyboard-style photos of his plushies, grinning to himself as he poses his Bearista bear digging into his food… it’s just joy. Real joy.

There’s something magical about being in Starbucks with him. I feel it every time – this rush of warmth just from being there together, coffee in hand, plushies in tow. Even now, as I write this and he’s sitting next to me on the sofa, I find myself smiling just thinking about it.

He’s off from university at the moment, having finished his first year with a bunch of firsts, and I couldn’t be prouder of him. With him home more, I’ve been soaking up every bit of time we get to spend together. It makes me laugh how we never run out of things to talk about. We sit for hours putting the world to rights over coffees or hot chocolates.

He’s so intelligent and wise – and honestly, I think I’ve learned just as much from him as I’ve ever taught him.

He’s Been An Absolute Champ

I’ve been going through a lot lately – and no, I’m not just talking about the betrayal of being charged for YouTube Premium, even though I’m still salty and simultaneously loving every second of ad-free videos. If you’ve read my blog, you know the real stuff I’m facing. Through all of it, my son has been INCREDIBLE.

My son has helped me so much, not because I lean on him like a therapist, but because he’s just… himself. I don’t offload my trauma onto him. I don’t expect him to fix anything. When I cry, I tell him what it’s about only if it’s simple to explain – a grief wave, a hard day in recovery – and even then, I never expect him to respond or carry it for me.

And yet, even within those boundaries, he helps me. The way he gently puts his hand on my arm when I’m upset. The way he says “Sorry, Mummo” in his quiet, honest way. The way he congratulates me every time I try a fear food or eat more with my meals. It’s enough.

Sometimes, when I’m upset, he shares something he’s going through too, not because I’m asking him to, but because we’ve built a space where we’re allowed to be human with each other. We’re just two people trying to get through hard days together, and that connection – not codependence – is what keeps me going.

He Constantly Encourages Me

There was another plushie arrival I have to mention: a Build-A-Bear Pompompurin! You may have read on my blog that I fell in love with Cinnamoroll – well, it turns out Pompompurin is now my ABSOLUTE favourite, if anyone is keeping track.

I just love that little yellow doggo so much. I always adored all the Pompompurin items in Animal Crossing, and when Build-A-Bear released a pastel version, I fell for him HARD. My son already has the original, who he calls Sticky, and I love hugging him – he’s so cute and so happy.

I wasn’t planning to buy pastel Sticky. He was expensive, and I figured, “I’m glad he exists, but I probably won’t own him.” I’d been doing really well in recovery and thought about buying myself something smaller to mark the moment – something cheaper, more “sensible.”

But my son, who was planning to buy clothes from the Build-A-Bear drop anyway, really encouraged me to go for it. So much so that he offered to buy Sticky’s outfit if I bought the doggo, meaning we’d qualify for free postage too – which made the whole thing feel more doable.

A few days later, along with the lovely plushie clothes my son ordered, pastel Sticky arrived – complete with icing and sprinkles, designed to look like a perfect little cake. One of the reasons I chose him was because he reminded me of all the Lidl bakery aisle incidents – another recovery milestone.

I LOVE him. I’m so glad I bought him, even if I still feel a bit guilty. I adore my Jellycats, but I’d always wanted a Build-A-Bear too – especially one that could wear trousers properly. My Bartholomew bears (looking at you, Biscoff) have too big of a chonky butt for jeans.

Pastel Sticky doesn’t have a name yet, so if you’ve got suggestions, drop them in the comments. I need all the help I can get!

He Really Sees Me

On Thursday, my son went to book club. He was debating whether to go at all, and I encouraged him because I knew once he got there, he’d have a great time. He ended up deciding to go early so he could go Jellycat shopping first – he was in desperate need of another Jellycat carrot. After all, getting your five a day is very important.

I was really proud of him for going despite his hesitation. But he also did something really special for me. When he got home, he told me to close my eyes because he had a present. When I opened them, I saw a LUSH bag – and I was immediately very EXCITED.

I had just run out of all my LUSH products, and my son knows how much they help me. They’ve been so supportive in recovery: while the bath is filled with colourful bubbles, it’s also filled with difficult ED thoughts – especially when it comes to seeing my body in the mirror or in the bath. The colours, the popping candy sounds, and the beautiful smells have really helped distract and comfort me.

And he didn’t just get me any LUSH – he bought me all my favourites: an Intergalactic bath bomb, two Minecraft diamond ore bath bombs, and the transgender flag-coloured one. I’d wanted to get that last one for a while, not just because it smells divine, but because a portion of its sales go to charity. My son is trans, so that one feels extra meaningful. I think I’ll save it for last.

I couldn’t believe how thoughtful it was. I hadn’t prompted, or hinted – he just did it. Out of the goodness of his big, beautiful heart. He makes me feel so seen. So loved.

He’s My Beautiful Son

I often say he’s the Sun in our Universe, and I don’t say that lightly. He warms me, shines his light on me, even helps me grow. When the void gets darker and denser – when the dark matter gets stickier – I can still see the light from the Sun. He gives me reasons to keep orbiting whenever something disrupts my path.

Our bond is like gravity. Even when there’s distance between us, I still feel the pull.

Everything in this post is what I’ve been holding onto when I’m struggling. I keep coming back to it, over and over, just to keep warm. Just to stay in my orbit.

He doesn’t fix my pain.
He doesn’t have to.
But my universe would be so much darker without the Sun – my son.

I’ve shared this song before, but it’s the one I always think of when I think of my son.