I was having the roughest week — Carrie Mathison–flavoured bipolar mental instability, ED recovery struggles, sinusitis, etc. All of which you might have read about if you’ve been following me.

Then, my son comes to me randomly and says, “I’ve bought you a present,” and hands me a purple Liberty bag with a special edition Liberty Jellycat Bear inside. He says, “I’m so proud of you for working so hard.”

My heart melted, and I wanted to cry in a completely different way than I’ve been crying lately. My son is my rainbow — the beautiful colours that break my grey skies — and I can’t believe how lucky I am to love him… and my new Jellycat bear.

The Backstory.

Jellycat had actually invited me to the Liberty Bartholomew Bear event, but I couldn’t go. Because, well — currently I am a mess. And I would struggle to get to London at the best of times thanks to my disabilities.

Right now, I’m not just disabled — I’m also mentally and physically struggling due to recovery. I couldn’t risk it. I was really happy to be asked and appreciated the gesture so much. I really love that Jellycat give back to the community, and I have a special love for them for how much their plushies have helped me over the past year.

Their penguins help me sit with the grief of losing my best friend, as WeeGee loved penguins so much. The bears comfort me and provide endless emotional support during outings — or chaotic Biscoff nights. And loving Jellycats has become a shared bond between me and my son — we both love them SO MUCH.

So I immediately felt happy to be invited… but I was also deeply disappointed.

I struggle with the fact my body restricts me from doing the things I really want to do. The last time I went on holiday was about 13 years ago for this reason. Jellycat were releasing limited special edition Bartholomew Bears — and that meant I wouldn’t get one of those either.

Until my son, helped by one of my absolutely lovely Instagram friends Debs (aka UndergroundBearista), plotted completely secretly behind my back through the medium of Instagram messages — and decided to make me owning a Liberty Bartholomew Bear a reality.

The Arrival of the Special Edition Bartholomew Bear

I’m always surprised when people are nice to me, especially when I feel mentally unhinged. I’ve felt like a burden to my son — especially since I’ve been trying harder in recovery, and that hard work caused me to slip into a mixed episode. I’ve been having sporadic emotional meltdowns and crying episodes. I didn’t feel like I deserved such a kind gesture.

Yet my son constantly shows me I’m not a burden, and not just through Jellycat purchases. Basically, he forces me to believe I’m not a burden just by existing next to me. He gives me reasons to keep pushing when I really don’t want to. And now, this purple bag he was handing me held a symbol of that love.

I got the bear out of the bag, and I couldn’t believe just how cute she is. Debs had sent a video while in the Liberty store of four different Barts so my son could choose the cutest one for me. She really is the cutest medium Bartholomew bear I own. I couldn’t get over her sweet little face. I still can’t.

I instantly felt like she was a girl bear. The bears all give off gender vibes to me, and she was giving girly. Her pink flowery bow, and pink flowery fabric on her feet and ears made me think she’s definitely a little feminine bear who likes lacy tablecloths and teapots.

My son, Debs, and my new bear really cheered me up despite the fog I was swimming through. I felt so much better about not being able to go to the Jellycat event, because at least I had this little bear — so I didn’t entirely miss out. In fact, this feels even more special than it would have been if I was able to go.

She was going to need an equally meaningful name for just how much this gesture meant to me.

Meet Enfys.

To come up with something meaningful, I thought of how my son is my rainbow in every sense of the word, and how this gesture felt like a rainbow in all of the grey I’ve been swimming through. That’s when it came to me — the perfect name: Enfys (pronounced En-vis), which means rainbow in Welsh.

It really suits her too. She’s the type of bear I can imagine knits jumpers for pigeons, sits on picnic blankets in the park with a full tea set, mini Welsh cakes, a mini bara brith loaf, and mini cucumber sandwiches. She has an old soul — like she’d pour me a paned o de (tea), let me vent my problems, hand me a Welsh cake, and then come up with the best advice I’ve ever heard in one simple but life-changing sentence, while calling me “Cariad”.

Given that she’s a special edition Bartholomew Bear, it is tempting to keep her in pristine condition. However, she will definitely be coming outside with me, and I will de-tag her. I get too sad when Jellycats just sit on my shelf — I feel like they get lonely and would feel unloved — so I take them outside and make a fuss of each one. I know Enfys will be no different. I have hugged her to sleep every night since she arrived a few days ago.

Biscoff the bear was excited by her arrival too — he now has a little sister. To celebrate her arrival, I made him a matching pink macrame bow so she could feel welcomed into our little Jellycat family. I will definitely have to make more bows and bags in this colour for all my bears. I really love how the pink goes so well with their fur colour, and I definitely need to make something for Enfys too. Making them macrame is a way I bond with them.

Rhywle Draw Dros Yr Enfys – Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Enfys arrived during one of the hardest weeks I’ve had in a while, and yet she brought with her something soft, fluffy, and light pink — not just the bear herself, but what she represents. She reminds me that even when I’m struggling to believe I’m lovable, other people already love me. That even in the fog, there can be a flash of colour, a reminder of how far I’ve come, and how much I’m still surrounded by kindness from my friends and my son. I think Enfys is here to help me keep noticing those rainbows, even when the sky still feels grey — just like my son does, being the human version of Nyan Cat with a rainbow following him wherever he goes.

The one thing I haven’t tried though, for my current situation? Buying A LOT of Jellycats. I mean, if one can help, maybe even more would help more? Wonder if anyone has tried that in eating disorder recovery — they do sell food Jellycats. My bank account disagrees. The price of plushie-based therapy is too rich for me. Ah well, guess I better do some more self-care… but this time with Enfys.

Here’s “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” In Welsh :-