Dear Son,

I can’t believe you’re turning 20 — two whole decades of you in my life. It’s hard to put into words what you mean to me, but I’m going to try. I wanted to write this here on my blog so that, no matter where life takes you, my words will always be here for you.

Time is strange. It feels like just yesterday you were little you, holding my hand in town, asking to see the toys – although we do still pop in The Entertainer a lot. At the same time, it feels like you’ve always been with me, and I can’t imagine my life without you.

I have loved you since I was a child. I dreamed of you long before you were here, and that dream kept me going through a childhood where my own mother didn’t love me. I would hide in my wardrobe and tell myself, “One day, I’ll have my own child. And I will love him so much”. The thought of you kept me company before you even existed.

Before you, I thought life was something I just had to endure. And then, one day, a second blue line appeared on a pregnancy test — and I knew. It was you. The child I had dreamed of. From that moment, I was never alone again.

When you came into the world, you changed everything. You taught me a love I didn’t know was possible. A love I had never received but got to give, freely, endlessly and unconditionally. And every single day since, I have known how privileged I am to have you and to be loved by you.

You have been the most amazing baby, toddler, child, teenager — and now, adult. I have loved every single stage of your life, and now I see all those versions of you at once.

I see adult you when you’re diplomatically dismantling a flawed system with sheer intelligence. I see teenage you when you’re drawing on your iPad watching YouTube. I see child you whenever we’re in Build-A-Bear. I see toddler you in the snack aisle when we go shopping. And I see baby you when you’re asleep.

Each time you entered a new stage, I never grieved for the old one. I celebrated you instead. We only grew closer with time, and it has been the greatest honour of my life to watch you become who you are.

When you came out as transgender, you can’t possibly know how proud I was — and still am. If anything, it made me love you even more, because I got to witness your becoming. I got to see you step into your truth, and in doing so you gave me more of yourself to love. I got to know all of you.

Your true self is so beautiful. And I feel so privileged that you felt safe enough to share your journey with me. Watching you grow into the most authentic version of yourself has been the greatest gift of my life. There is nothing that could ever top that. Not even an entire warehouse of Jellycats.

I know people have often forced you to mask your bluntness, but that’s one of the things I love most about you. It is actually a superpower of yours. Your blunt humour makes me laugh every single day. Your blunt but diplomatic dismantling of injustice reminds me how deeply intelligent you are, and shows me what a great journalist you will be one day.

Your blunt honesty makes me feel so safe in our bond. I never have to read between the lines or wonder what you mean. You tell the truth, and it helps my anxiety more than you know. Even when you’re telling me I’m wrong — which, somehow, I love even more.

You have opened my eyes to the world in a way no one else has. You are so wise, and I truly believe it’s because you refuse to be anything but real. Everything you say is thoughtful and sharp, even when you’re completely upending my worldview at midnight and leaving me in an existential crisis. Seriously, how do you have the whole world pegged, yet you haven’t lived on this planet as long as me?

People think parents are the teachers. But you have taught me just as much.

You taught me that sometimes things cannot be fixed — they have to be torn down and built fresh. And in doing so, you made me realise that I was still holding onto the misguided hope that my mother would love me someday. You saw clearly what I couldn’t, and you told me the truth, “She doesn’t love you, she doesn’t deserve you, and you don’t deserve to be treated that way”.

You gave me the courage to finally let her go. And while I was protecting you from her, you were protecting me, too. No one had ever protected me, or campaigned for me before. You have changed me more than anyone ever has. And I will always be grateful for that, you really have given me the greatest gifts in my life – including the Jellycat Bartholomew Bee.

I don’t know where life will lead you, but I do know this — one day, you’re going to have that cottage with the wooden beams and the bookcases, filled with not just your entire Heartstopper collection, but all the books you’ve written.

I can already picture it, just like I can picture you curled up in a chair, a blanket over your lap, hugging plushies, reading, completely at peace. It will be yours, because you deserve a place in this world that is truly yours, that feels like home.

I know you’ll keep chasing knowledge, keep questioning, keep finding the beauty in things people overlook. You’ll keep making people laugh without even trying, keep fighting for what’s right, keep being authentically you. You’ll keep being logical whilst at the same time emotionally intelligent and creative. And whatever you do, I hope you always remember: I have never stopped being proud of you, and I never will. Even if your life takes you somewhere different, you deserve happiness and comfort — those are the things I have always wanted most for you.

I want you to find your people, your soulmates, because they are out there somewhere waiting for you. They don’t have to be romantic, just like WeeGee wasn’t for me, but you deserve to know how great you are not just from me. I hope you find them, and that they show you — just like I have — how amazing you are, exactly as you are.

I also hope you have even more Build-A-Bear frogs in your future, and know that I love them all as my grandchildren. I’m sure you’ll even have a whole family of pets too.

And most of all, I hope one day, you look in the mirror and love the person staring back at you. I know how much you’ve been through with that mirror shouting its dysphoria at you. But I hope that one day, your reflection is a true and accurate picture of who I know you are — of the person I have always seen.

I know you’re worried about turning 20, but you are not alone. For as long as I’m here, I’m with you, and after I’m gone, I’ll still be with you. I’m here in this letter, and I will always be with you in your heart.

You will always know what I think and feel, and I will always stand by you. Everywhere you go, you take part of me with you.

We are quantum entangled forever – distance or time will never separate the core of our bond.

All of this to say, you are loved, you are seen, and you are enough — exactly as you are.

Happy 20th birthday, my beautiful and amazing son. My sun, that has shone light and given me life my whole life.

Mummo x

This song played on the radio as I took newborn baby you home from the hospital, well, the Elton John version. I’m adding the Ellie Goulding version for that time you LOVED her.

I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is
While you’re in the world