The last time I went through eating disorder recovery, I blogged here on WordPress, and whenever I struggled, I’d write a post listing five reasons to keep going. Highlighting these reasons helped me remember, especially on the hardest days, why I needed to push forward. So, I’m bringing this series back. Here are my first five reasons for wanting to recover.

1. To Become Reobsessed With Time But In A Physics Way

I’ve always been obsessed with space-time, especially in terms of physics. I even studied physics at university because of it. Questions about time — what it is, how it works — ignite my curiosity every time I dive down a Google rabbit hole. Mentally, though, I have another kind of obsession with time: the desperate urge to stop it. Time moves too fast for me to keep up, and my emotions take longer to process than everyone around me seems to expect. I’ve always wanted to scream, “Stop the world, I need time to think!”.

My eating disorder has its own obsession with time, separate from everything else in my brain. It’s all about rigid rules around when I can and can’t eat. I end up clock-watching and waiting, waiting, waiting for those ‘acceptable’ times to eat. Oddly enough, my ED does make time feel slower, almost as if it completely alters my perception of time — days stretch longer, hours feel endless – the 6 minutes between 4.54pm and 5pm feel like hours. But it’s a TERRIBLE way to live. When you’re so hungry all you can do is count down the seconds until you eat, you’re not slowing time in any way that matters.

My ED’s version of time has no fun thought experiments or google rabbit holes, no wild theories about how mass affects time for instance, although I guess, in a way, my mass does affect time just not in the fun awe inspiring way mass usually affects time. The only thought experiment question is, “Why do I do this?” And the answer includes all of the triggers of my relapse, and how I’m feeling so stuck here of knowing the right thing to do, and not being able to. 

Time will always move too fast for me; that’s part of being a neurodivergent person who feels things deeply. But my ED has robbed me of my natural awe for time, turning it into something I’m forced to watch and track. This year, it stole nearly 12 months from me. I want to recover so that I can rediscover time as something awe-inspiring, not a prison I have to live in.

2. To Have Pizza Nights!

Pizza nights with my teen are one of the things I miss most. I have also been a bad plushie parent as my bears have never seen take out pizza! There’s something so joyful about ordering our favourite pizzas and sides, especially since we’re both obsessed with Domino’s sauces — why is the garlic and herb dip so ridiculously good? It’s a cosy evening of movies, string lights, and shared excitement. I haven’t had Domino’s all year, and it feels like a core piece of my pizza-loving personality is missing. I’m looking forward to the day I can order my favourite ‘Sizzler’ with a side of ‘Chicken Kickers’ again. It’s a long-term goal, due to how careful you have to be in recovery with food, but each step I take brings me closer to it.

3. Because Of The Audacity Of Cluster Headaches

You’d think being low on energy would stop my body from having such extreme cluster headache episodes, but no — quite the opposite, actually. It turns out, fasting and not fueling my body has led to MORE cluster headaches this year, it is such a cruel twist of fate (well fate in terms of it being medical science). I’ve had three episodes instead of my usual two, each one lasting longer than it ever has before. The absolute AUDACITY of Cluster Headaches! This is, without a doubt, the worst condition I have. If a doctor offered to magically take away one of my diagnoses, I wouldn’t even hesitate — I’d say, ‘Cluster Headaches, please.’

I am desperate to recover to make this year with cluster headaches never happen again, I have spent 21 weeks this year in a Cluster Headache episode (for reference, we are in the 44th week of the year). With how determined I am to recover from my ED for this reason, I was again confronted with just how insidious EDs are, because I’ve spent 21 weeks wishing I could just eat to make this worst pain of my entire life return to it’s only two episodes a year state, and I am still stuck. These episodes however have made me braver at times, they might have stopped me from falling down too far with my ED, as every time I have one, I get just a little bit braver, like right now. I am working on doing smaller steps though this time, as I tend to try and brute force my recovery, just for the Cluster Headaches SUCK reason during an episode and have a tendency to fall off track as soon as it ends, but, theres far more mental health reasons I need to deal with to recover. 

4. To Be a Better Gamer

When I play video games, I dive in completely. My character’s actions are my actions, their choices are mine. It’s like a mindfulness exercise — well, until the big bosses with heavy weapons show up, because no one wants to experience grenades and rocket launchers mindfully. But lately, I’ve struggled to fully immerse myself in games. Not having enough energy — and not having snacks — breaks my connection to those worlds. My recovery reason here? I want to be able to pay the price of admission to all those worlds with gaming snacks and the focus to get lost in them.

5. To Stop Looking Like An Absolute Mess In Public

In my 2012 recovery, I had to throw away so many clothes. As I gained weight, not a single piece I loved fit me anymore, not even the oversized things. Every piece was too tight to even get into, and losing them hurt. The advice says to get rid of clothes that no longer fit as a commitment to recovery, and it was the right thing to do, but it felt like throwing out my favourite memories and comforts. I grieved those clothes — especially the special gaming clothes that were limited edition and can’t be replaced.

When I relapsed in January, and continued losing weight this year, I flat out refused to buy clothes that fit me. My ED has really wanted me to, but I have resisted every single time. It is my little rebellion as I know it will use, “Remember how much it hurt to throw your clothes away last time” as a threat to keep me from recovering. I have been wearing really baggy clothes and looking a mess for almost a year because I continued wearing clothes that fit me at a healthy weight. Oversized clothes, by the way, look fashionable until the point where you just look like a kid that started school with uniform far too big that their parents promised they’d grow into eventually. I’ve definitely reached school uniform levels of oversized clothes, instead of pinterest board aesthetic version of oversized clothes. I didn’t want to buy clothes to commemorate my body size, or accomodate it, because then I’d be settling for it. I’m not settled, I don’t want to be this, I want to fight this, so I exist in clothes too big for me and that is my reason to recover, to have clothes that fit me and therefore to stop looking like an absolute mess every time I go outside.

When I think of these reasons — and believe me, I think of them often — I always wish they were enough to pull me out of this place for good. I wish eating disorders were that simple, but they’re not. They’re insidious, complicated, and hard to beat. Writing these reasons is just one part of my strategy, because this journey requires constant wargaming. But I’m doing my part, throwing holy hand grenades of motivation, five at a time, as I fight my way through.

Keep on keeping on, and keep on movin’ frens.