I have been so strong for years. I never bought YouTube Premium. I refused. Even back in the YouTube Red days, when they tried to tempt me with “exclusive content,” I held my ground. I resisted every single one of the many, MANY free trials they threw at me.

Until one fateful night. A night where I was manipulated into going against everything I believe about corporate greed and caved.

The Night We Dutched.

Lately, one of the few things helping me sleep is the Driving in the Rain YouTube channel. I can’t sleep without background noise or visual stimulation. If I try, my brain goes full threat detection mode:

“IS THAT A PERSON HUNCHED IN THE CORNER OR A SHADOW?!”

Oh – and if there’s no stimulus? My brain starts generating it. Visual patterns. Flickers in the dark. Shadow theatre. Fun times.

I used to use random Netflix documentaries I’d already watched to fall asleep. But they were too interesting. I kept watching Shiny Flakes even after the 100th time and stayed up to see Max get busted again.

But then I found Driving in the Rain. It’s perfect.

Gentle visual stimulation, rain on glass, wiper blades, the occasional low rumble of thunder. I imagine RainMan_JP is taking me somewhere far, far away. Tokyo looks like Night City at night – so sometimes I pretend I’m V in a cutscene. Panam’s driving. I’m falling asleep.

The videos are TEN HOURS LONG. Perfect. No need to restart. No need to think. And – bless him – the creator chose not to run ads.

Until YouTube decided creators shouldn’t have that choice anymore. They changed their policy and started putting ads on everything. Even videos from creators who opted out.

And so, at 4am, in the middle of my deep Quetiapine descent, I was suddenly… YELLED AT IN DUTCH.

It scared the absolute shit out of me. Should I have remembered that I had my VPN set to the Netherlands? Yes.
Did I? No.

Instead, for a full 30 seconds, I genuinely believed I had forgotten what English sounds like. That my brain had finally broken. That I had descended into a new Quetiapine dialect. My last few brain cells were just politely trying to work out why I now understood Dutch because I still understood, “Ben and Jerry’s”.

The worst part?

THERE WERE ADS. EVERY. FIVE. MINUTES.
On a TEN HOUR VIDEO.
No. Just… no.

Thanks to my medicated state, I couldn’t even type “Netflix” in the search bar, so I closed the laptop, gave up, and let the shadows perform interpretive trauma dance on my walls.

DAMMIT, YOUTUBE. *Shakes fist at the air to curse Neil* (The CEO of YouTube)

OH and before anyone says, “Just get adblock” I TRIED THAT. YouTube basically pulled a full “Nice adblock you got there… be a shame if something happened to your ability to watch anything.” and blocked me from watching ANY video until I’d turned it off.

Corporate Greed and Me
(or: How I Keep Being Emotionally Blackmailed by Joy)

This reminds me of the last time I was manipulated by a megacorp.
That time, it was Nintendo.

I really disagree with their practices. Yes, I’d love a bottom-of-the-line console with terrible graphics – please charge me more than the other, better consoles. Oh, and if a game is ten years old? Please, absolutely, keep it full price forever. Never put it on sale. That’s the Nintendo way.

But then my son asked for a Switch for Christmas and I don’t force my values on him. If he wants a Switch? He gets a Switch. I muttered under my breath the entire time I bought it, but I bought it. And I got him Animal Crossing too.

He was so happy. He loaded up the game and showed me his little character, excitedly pointing out how cute everything was. And of course – I wanted to play too. So I connected the Switch to the TV and made my own little character.
But wait… How do I make my own island?
…What do you mean I can’t?

I HAVE TO BUY MY OWN SWITCH AND COPY OF THE GAME TO HAVE MY OWN ISLAND?
ARE YOU SERIOUS??

Nintendo. Sucks.

Long story still long, but slightly shorter: I ended up buying another Switch so we could play together properly. And I’m still mad about it. The irony is not lost on me: I’m now in debt to Tom Nook, and in debt to my own values. I gave in to the very system I swore I’d resist.

All to play cute games and laugh with my son on a shared sofa. So maybe it was worth it. But I’m still salty.

And now, a few years later, here I am again. Being manipulated by Google. Being yelled at in Dutch at 4am because I would not pay for silence.

We Don’t Watch TV, We Watch YouTube

YouTube Premium actually does make sense for us. We don’t watch TV except for keeping up with Phil Mitchells sighing and his unique brand of justice in Eastenders. I don’t know why I’ve been so stingy about it, honestly – probably because I miss the old days of YouTube. Back when it felt like it belonged to everyone, before it fully mutated into this corpo greed machine.

Netflix, on the other hand, never pretended.
It didn’t come in wearing a “community platform” mask – it showed up, charged a fee, and said “this is what we do.” So I felt better about paying for it.
Well – except for when they said you could share passwords, and then changed their mind, locked everything down, and now I can’t even watch Netflix on all my own devices because apparently I’m the password-sharing threat.

But still. It was easier to pay for, because at least Netflix wasn’t trying to masquerade as “for the people.” YouTube used to be the people.

And I guess I struggle with change.
ESPECIALLY corporate change.
ESPECIALLY when I feel like it makes the internet a worse place.
ESPECIALLY when I have to pay to not be shouted at in Dutch at 4am.
ESPECIALLY when the premium tier doesn’t even offer better content, just less torment.

But… it does unfortunately make sense for us.
So I bought it.

Farewell, My Friend, My Apple Music

Of course, it wasn’t as simple as just buying YouTube Premium.
I had to drop another subscription to make it work – I don’t have money for 17 subscriptions to corporations I hate. Thankfully, YouTube still offered two free months, and Premium includes YouTube Music. So it made sense that the one to go was Apple Music.

And honestly, that was harder than expected.

I love Apple Music. We’ve been through hell and back together. It’s carried me through rainy window stares, dubstep-powered cleaning marathons, and post-appointment “You Would Be Angry Too” meltdowns. I am a very heavy user. Unsubscribing felt like saying goodbye to a very dramatic but loyal friend.

However…

YouTube Music has something Apple never did: Fan-made compilations of video game music. Ten-hour ambient loops. Game soundtracks ripped directly from gameplay – not just the official albums.

I can now listen to the Mass Effect Emotional Suite on my phone, while sitting by the river with my bears. That’s not just self-care, that’s main character healing arc.

And let’s be real – official game albums always include BOSS FIGHT music smack in the middle of your sad emotional tracks. Nothing like being deep in your introspective feels and suddenly getting ambushed by dystopian combat jazz. It’s SO jarring. It kills the mood. I wanted to feel my feels, not storm Arasaka Tower.

But most importantly…

I can now watch my 10-hour Tokyo Driving in the Rain video in peace.
Without being shouted at in Dutch every five minutes.

Bliss.

Am I part of the problem? Absolutely.
Do I hate myself a little bit for that? Sure.
But do I love my Tokyo rain video – and any ten-hour game compilation track with the word “Emotional” in the title – enough to betray my own values?
YES. YES, I DO.

Also, I just love that getting old for me, is less “GET OFF MY LAWN” and instead “GET OFF MY INTERNET PLATFORM”.
The things I do for self care.

For the anthem for the post, had to be Madonna :-
“We are living in a subscription world… and I am a subscription girl…”
Spotify, Netflix, Apple, Prime,
YouTube Premium has crossed the line.
I just wanted rain sounds, now I pay to sleep –
And Clippy’s still yelling underneath.