Despite the ups and downs I’ve posted about lately — the ambivalence, the rapid weight gain, the extreme hunger, and the absolute mess I am in with my mixed episode (currently depressed AF) — I’ve still been eating anyway, and I have some recovery food wins to share.

I often struggle to see these as real wins. That’s what happens when you fight valiantly over a cookie, finally eat it, and then think, “Well, people eat cookies without thinking, so why should I be proud of myself?”
But that’s exactly why I’m writing this.

I want to dedicate a whole post to these wins — so I can hopefully feel a bit more pride in how hard I’ve been working in recovery, despite everything. And if not today, then at least I’ll be able to look back one day and see how far I’ve come.

But First, Coffee

I’m very happy to say I’m still obsessed with Macchiato. I’ve had one every single day — and it’s first on this list, because you should always have coffee first, and because it’s the perfect example of what challenging food fears (and corrupted Clippy, my ED voice) is actually like.

I’ve had a Macchiato every single day, and every single day it’s still a bit of a fight to make and drink.

When you challenge a food fear, it doesn’t magically vanish the first time. Or the second. Or even the FOURTEENTH. You have to challenge it again and AGAIN, often for an undisclosed period of time, and without any guarantee it’ll feel easier tomorrow.

Every day at Macchiato time, Clippy pops up — telling me to make black coffee instead, offering me “safer” options, trying to get me to cut something else out to “make up for it.” And every SINGLE day, I fight it. It doesn’t matter that I’m currently obsessed with Macchiato. It doesn’t matter that I enjoy it so much. The fight still happens. The fear still surfaces.

That’s true for the rest of the foods in this post, too. But with the Macchiato, I’ve fought that fight fourteen times and won. And I still REALLY love it.

I find them so comforting to drink, and I still absolutely LOVE watching the aurora-like milk layer settle at the bottom — especially when it’s in my favourite star iridescent glass mug. Macchiatos are a full sensory experience.

It had been about 20 years since I last had milk in my coffee — and I’m NOT giving it up without a fight.

That said, I also still LOVE black coffee, and I drink it in the morning because it’s honestly just delicious. And I won’t be giving it up no matter how much people act like liking black coffee is a red flag. Some of us just like our coffee as bitter as we are, Joanne. Geez.

The Greggs Cookies

My son and I went to Greggs after Lidl at the start of the week, and I’d built up so much courage to finally try the Katsu Chicken Bake. But when I got there? It had already left the menu. Gutted. Lesson learned: don’t wait so long to challenge a fear that Greggs has launched an entirely new menu by the time you’re ready to fight.

Since I had all this adrenaline and no Bake to show for it, I had a look around and spotted a four-pack of cookies out on display. I really fancied one when I saw them, so I picked up the pack — so anxiously staff probably thought I was about to steal them because I felt about as guilty — and stood in the queue while Clippy screamed at me to put them back. I almost did.

But I didn’t.

I bought them, and I had planned to eat one with my sausage roll. But by the time I got home, I’d burned through every ounce of courage in the Greggs boss battle queue. I ate the sausage roll—but not the cookie. That was a mistake I would later rectify.

I got sick of my own shit again (as I often do in recovery), and argued with myself for hours over the cookie. “JUST EAT THE COOKIE”, “No, I am scared”, “JUST GO TO THE KITCHEN AND GET ONE”. Eventually, I got the courage to get up, grab one, and I even made hot milk with it so it was a whole experience.

In my whole life, I’ve never dipped a proper cookie in milk. Only ever those sad, pre-packaged biscuits from the aisle. That doesn’t count. Those cookies are sad and not real cookies.

These Greggs cookies? These were melty, comforting, PERFECT. I kind of enjoyed it a little too much… and then had a second one. Then some more biscuits went into the milk. Extreme hunger kicked in the moment I finally allowed myself what I’d been holding off all day.

Despite the aftermath — yep, blood sugar was chaotic as hell, and the next day I cried my eyes out over it — it was so good. So comforting. The milk made the cookie soft and warm and gooey. And I have to say: Greggs cookies are genuinely excellent. I hate the ones from Starbucks (Why does their food always taste BURNT?), Asda, Tesco… they all taste overly processed. But this one was like a home-baked cookie made by someone with 25 Stanley cups and a home bakery business on TikTok.

If I learned anything from this: don’t spend hours holding off a craving you already fought to bring home. It doesn’t go away. It just waits. And it comes back louder. I have still been VERY scared of eating the other two due to my extreme hunger reaction, but I think I will just buy one next time. I know my body is just trying to correct a severe cookie in milk deficiency but the blood sugar chaos was a little too much.

I Jumped On the Lidl HYPE Train.

Continuing the “Wait why does this ACTUALLY taste like it comes from a bakery and not a factory” food items — I now ENTIRELY understand the hype around the Lidl bakery on TikTok. It is not overhyped like the Dubai chocolate or several questionable protein powders. At all.

I bought a pain au raisin to challenge, and my son got himself a brownie. I love pastries, but I’ve never eaten a big one — only ever the mini versions. And I’ve really missed pastries during my relapse. I’m happy to say I did in fact eat it, and WOW — it was delicious. It was so delicious, I genuinely felt like I’d been transported to a Parisian pâtisserie and was about to say “c’était tellement délicieux” to my son, who was now called Pierre.

My son REALLY enjoyed his brownie too. We’re definitely getting more bakery items next time — and we want to try the bread as well. Lidl made it a lot easier because the calories weren’t visible, so I had no idea what the calorie count was — and I didn’t look it up.

Honestly, the push to add calories to menus and food packaging has been one of the changes I’ve hated most about this dystopian hellscape.

Even when I was weight restored and doing well, it ALWAYS bugged me. I could never quite tell if I was choosing something because I actually wanted it, or because seeing the calories triggered a Corrupted Clippy popup — no matter how strong I felt in recovery. And don’t get me started on calories on kids’ menus. I could write an entire manifesto on that.

The Return of the Biscoff Croissant

My recovery food wins post would not be complete without a Biscoff item.

I’ve had a Biscoff croissant before — this was a repeated challenge. When it came time to eat it, I added even more Biscoff spread before warming it up. It was so full of melty Biscoff it oozed out on my fingers when I squeezed it. I paired it with my Macchiato again, and it was absolutely delicious.

Biscoff the bear, named after my recovery Biscoff obsession, was very happy about the Biscoff croissant eating. I’ve struggled, though, to repeat it more than once a week. The second one always ends up going stale in the packet. It makes me a little sad. Despite enjoying it so much, it still feels like such a big deal to eat.

I think I struggle a lot with the fact that — for many years in recovery, and all through my relapse — I ate for function. Not for fun. Not for comfort. Not just because I fancied or craved something.

If a Biscoff croissant is x calories, I start thinking about all the food I could eat instead for x calories… and suddenly, it doesn’t feel worth it anymore. That’s why I always chose mini pastries instead — never the ones that could mathematically rival a whole meal.

It’s something I’m continuing to work on in recovery.
Which is why you’ll see only comforting foods on this list — they’re part of the work.

And Many More, Too.

This isn’t an exhaustive list. There were other wins — challenging rigid rules about clock-watching, meals I genuinely loved, eating larger portions than usual, even an entire fruit platter — but I definitely still need more work on those.

I’ll be updating my blog with food challenges periodically, because I actually had a lot of fun writing this. And it did help, a bit. I did, in fact, achieve some things — despite the utter turmoil and mess my mental health is in right now.

And honestly, the fact that my mental health currently feels like a Biscoff-fuelled factory fire is exactly the kind of time I’d turn to restriction to cope.

And yet… I ate a scary but delicious Biscoff croissant instead.

For the theme tune for this post, Mirror in the Bathroom by The Beat. It’s pretty perfect:-

Mirror in the bathroom, recompense
For all my crimes of self-defense
Cures you whisper make no sense
Drift gently into mental illness