Friday May 9th – Day 10 – I woke up really early and could not get back to sleep. I was REALLY wired though, and VERY excited, brave and confident to go to Lidl and Asda. This is unusual for me, I am in recovery and over the past week I have been struggling with it. However, I was especially excited to see the Lidl bakery aisle like I was a 6-year-old who’d been told we were going to Disneyland today — and not, in reality, just visiting a hot pastry section.

On hearing a knock at the door I gave up on my “maybe I’ll fall back to sleep” plan and got up. My son’s watermelon Build-a-Bear frog had arrived, so he was all excited too — welcoming his new, adorable melon son into the household.

I sat in the living room drinking my coffee, frustrated that it was taking AGES to cool down because I wanted it NOW, and could not stop talking to my son. I must have been talking really fast, because he turned to me and said, “I’m so glad I’m neurodivergent. I can still understand you when you talk at lightspeed.”

That set off a little red flag in my brain, so I ran through the checklist. Fast speech? Overexcitement? Lack of sleep? Restless? Too much energy? Ah, yes — hypomania. The “up” side of a mixed episode. No wonder I was so excited to go to Lidl.

The Little Walk

After we waited for the post person to deliver another of my son’s packages — he had a student finance payment recently and is feeling flush — and my coffee FINALLY cooled down enough to drink, we got ready to go outside. Which of course also included getting our bears ready, as we’d impulsively decided to go on a little bear walk on the way to Lidl.

I took Enfys, my new Liberty Jellycat Bear. I hadn’t taken her outside yet, and I was really excited to give her a little adventure (you can read all about her arrival in this post). My son took Cutie Patootie, (who you can also see in this post, as I babysit him quite a lot when my son’s at university). I dressed Enfys in a new brown and cream macramé bag, complete with heart beads and a pink mini macramé bow I’d made especially for her. My son dressed Cutie Patootie in rainbows.

We decided to go see some nature, and the weather was absolute perfection. Sunny but not too hot — ideal for both of us, as neither of us like the heat. It was so lovely to see all the buttercups and daisies, and I had so much fun taking photos of my bear lying in them.

Then, it happened.

Full of hypomanic confidence, I realised I’d taken THE BEST PHOTO I’ve ever taken. I was so excited about it. It’s the one above — of my son’s bear and mine together, sat on the grass with daisies all around them, trees and bushes in the background. My son took loads of adorable photos too.

We then wandered over to look at all the new leaves on the trees and bushes — I’d missed them through winter so much. I just love the way they blow in the wind and how full the trees look. It filled me with even more awe than usual, thanks to the milder version of mixed episode euphoria.

The fact that nature is something I’m allergic to — and that I’ve had sinusitis for days thanks to grass, weed, and tree pollen — didn’t stop me from being utterly awestruck by how the sunlight was shining through the new leaves.

I joked to my son that I wish nature elevated me to this level all the time, because then it actually would be therapy, like those awful stigmatising memes online: “Meds aren’t therapy, nature is,” and other such nonsense. After filling my soul up with tree “therapy” and my eyes up with pollen we walked over to Lidl.

Lidl, Asda and the Other Pastry Altar

I was VERY excited to look at the bakery section, which is the first thing you see — and smell — when you walk into this store. The Lidl employees were putting fresh hot items into it just as we arrived. I was finally here: Croissant Disneyland.

I spent time looking at all the items. I really wanted to challenge my eating disorder and get one. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve walked past a bakery, fancied something, and not bought it over the past year and a half.

There were no calories displayed, which made it easier to pick something based on what I wanted, rather than what Clippy got the least mad about. But let’s be real — it was mad about all the choices. I saw they had cronuts, which I definitely want to try at some point, but today I thought I’d pick something I knew I liked. I figured I’d be more likely to do it again if I REALLY enjoyed it. I settled on a pain au raisin. I love those so much and have only ever had mini ones. So I popped it into a bakery bag and felt quietly proud of myself.

My son got a triple chocolate brownie that looked as sweet as he is. He has ARFID, so this was a challenge for him too — picking something fresh, unfamiliar, and not from a branded label. It looked delicious, despite the fact that I am not a big fan of brownies. Chocolate crunch cake and pink custard from primary school? Absolutely. Brownie? Mid. Sorry, son.

My hypomanic confidence was making me braver than usual as we went through the aisles. It was battling Clippy the whole time.

Hypomanic Rhio: “I AM GOING TO BUY ALL THE FOOD AND RECOVER TONIGHT.”
Clippy-brained Rhio: “No you’re not. Absolutely not. That’s too scary.”
Hypomanic Rhio: “I REALLY WANT ALL THESE CEREALS. EAT THEM ALL TONIGHT. BE THE BEST AT RECOVERY ANYONE HAS EVER SEEN.”
Clippy Rhio: “NO. NO. You’re giving me anxiety just saying this stuff.”
Hypomanic Rhio: “WHO CARES ABOUT WEIGHT GAIN WHEN BISCOFF EXISTS?”
Clippy Rhio: “I won’t cope with it.”
Me: “Would ALL OF THE COUNCIL OF RHIOS BE QUIET. How the heck am I supposed to REMEMBER anything in here with all this NOISE?”

On the outside? I looked fine. But I was simulating this internal war by picking things up and putting them back. Forward. Back. Forward. Back. Oops — this one fell into my basket. I’m fine. I’m just doing reps with biscuits.

About halfway through, I started to become more flat. My brain had run out of available fuel. It had enough energy to elicit hypomania, but not enough for consistency, and I was starting to feel weak and hungry. At least it made it easier to focus on sensible meal options for the rest of the week — I wasn’t running on euphoric chaos anymore.

I was proud of my son too. He bought a lot of items from Lidl instead of relying entirely on his branded goods from Asda. That was a big deal for him. He’s trying. We both are.

There were still a few things we needed, so after paying at the checkout, we headed straight to Asda. I was already tired and hungry by the time we reached Asda, and my mood started dipping further. I mostly felt REALLY irritated about how expensive everything was — recovery isn’t just hard emotionally, it’s hard financially too. I’ll write more about that soon, because wow, I have Johnny Silverhand thoughts. For now, we grabbed what we needed quickly and got out of there.

We needed something warm, comforting, and familiar after all the shopping. So we headed to Greggs — which, ironically, might be cheaper to eat at all week than trying to shop at Asda. I’d wanted to finally challenge a Katsu Chicken Bake, but I think I left it too long and it’s off the menu. Still, I got sausage rolls for me and my son, plus some cookies, and we headed home.

Home Sweet Home

After hurriedly putting away all the fresh shopping — leaving the dry goods in the suitcase — we sat down to finally eat our Greggs. The sausage rolls were warm, perfectly flaky, and buttery. Eating one was a recovery challenge.

I was eating Greggs much earlier in the day than I usually would, and I felt really anxious about whether I’d still manage dinner later. During my relapse, I often skipped meals to “make up for” things like Greggs, so this felt like a big deal. I tried to stay present and enjoy it — and I did.

For distraction, I edited the bear photos from earlier — all of which are included in this post. They were so cute. I especially loved the one of my bear and my son’s bear together, and that one still makes me smile. After the sausage roll kicked in, the energy from earlier returned, and I rode the wave of hypomania to put the rest of the shopping away, neatly and in order.

Then I crashed just in time for dinner.

After holding it off a little too long to gather the courage, I still managed to eat — and that was a win. I had a pre-prepared Chicken Shawarma salad from Lidl, with couscous, lentils, quinoa, olives, and salad, all topped with a yoghurt and mint dip. I’d had it before and loved it, and it helped that I didn’t need to prep anything.

Of course, this isn’t all I’ve eaten today. I can’t eat before doing anything physical because my digestive system loses its mind — so on days like this, Greggs becomes breakfast, the salad is lunch, and I still have dinner and dessert ahead. I’ll share more about what I’ve been challenging and how it’s going in a food wins post soon.

Recovery too, is a Pick N Mix

Today felt like a total pick ’n’ mix — just like the recovery pick ’n’ mix jars I bought. But I really enjoyed the start of the day with my son: going on the Jellycat walk, seeing how excited he was with his new frog, and, well… the Lidl bakery section. I’m just here trying to surf bipolar waves and still eat. That’s what I set out to do after my last recovery post.

I’m trying not to over-analyse why I feel how I feel at any given time. I’m just riding it. I have no control over a mixed episode — and anorexia recovery is all about letting go of the things you think you can control, but actually can’t.

Still, hopefully I end today with a few more recovery wins — and maybe even that pain au raisin.

The soundtrack for this post :-