After everything that happened on Good Friday (and everything I carried through it), I wanted this post to be something lighter. Softer. Maybe even a little silly. So let us focus on the positive little gifts of Easter. After all, giving gifts is one of the only things that’s guaranteed to make me smile — whether it’s for my son or my bears.

I’m pretty reluctant when it comes to giving gifts to myself, but I tried it anyway.
Because I too deserve nice things.

So this is what I gave.
And maybe, accidentally, what I really needed too (Spoiler alert:– What I really needed was hot cross buns).

The Gifts I Got for My Son

My son had wanted a little Easter basket for his plushies this year — he’s been running an ADORABLE plushie photo challenge on Instagram, and he’s been having so much fun with it. He wanted to do a little photo of his frog holding a tiny basket. I did look for one, but then in Marks and Spencer I spotted something even better: a Percy Pig mini bag, complete with tiny Percy Pig sweets and chocolate eggs. I also found his ultimate favourite, the “Party Time” Percy Pigs.

It felt more him (and more plushie-appropriate) than a traditional egg or even a basket.

For a fair few years when he was little, I used to get him the chocolate Percy Pig Easter egg — and every single year… he wouldn’t eat it. He felt bad. As if he’d be hurting the pig by breaking and eating it. So the chocolate pig would end up living on the fridge like an Easter decoration, until eventually it went past its best. He never once ate it. Despite his absolute love of chocolate, he couldn’t bear to hurt Percy.

After a few years of this, I stopped getting him the egg — though he still used to ask for it, more as a fridge decoration than anything. I started buying different Easter gifts instead. There was the Lego Easter. The arts and crafts Easter. And still, he’d mention the pig. He was such an adorable child, full of empathy — even for a chocolate pig.

So to continue the tradition of non–Percy Pig–egg Easter, this year I got him a couple of mugs: one with a cinnamon roll, and one with a chicken. They’re very him — especially the chicken. I got him a Jellycat chicken for his birthday (his name’s Eggbert), and I imagined he might take photos of Eggbert drinking out of the chicken mug. It felt like a perfect pairing.

For his frog plushie, Frankie, I found a mini Kuromi notebook—plushie-sized. My son takes his plushies to uni and sets them up on the table with tiny notebooks, mini pens, and their own pencil case. I thought it would be the perfect addition to Frankie’s study setup. Frankie loved it. And my son was so happy.

To go along with the Hello Kitty theme, I got my son the Hello Kitty shower gel from LUSH. He’s a big fan of Snow Fairy, and this scent is a mix of Snow Fairy and Milky Bath. It’s lovely, and he really enjoyed using it. We’re both big fans of LUSH.

There was also the necklace and the duck I mentioned in my last post. He was so happy about his little haul.

He’s always been so grateful — even for the smallest things. Seeing that joy in him never gets old. And there was another son of mine who I also smothered in love and gifts this Easter:
Sir Biscoff the Bear.

The Gifts I Got for My Other Son, Biscoff the Bear

When I was in Marks and Spencer looking for gifts for my son, I saw they also had a little Spencer Bear bag. Obviously I had to get that for Biscoff. It had a little Spencer Bear chocolate inside and some eggs. It’s so unbelievably cute. I thought he could keep his bear things in it—bows, emotional support items, maybe his bEarPods.

I also got him a Biscoff Dairy Milk bar. Okay, okay — he can’t eat it. He’s a Jellycat bear and not a real person. It was actually for me.

But surprisingly, it was so much easier to buy it for him than for myself, thanks to Clippy (my eating disorder voice). I’ll eat it, eventually. But it’s for Biscoff. It’s not mine. That takes some of the pressure off. I’ll share my Biscoff chocolate with Biscoff, and maybe that’ll help.

Also… he looks adorable with it.
And it’s one of the reasons he’s called Biscoff in the first place.

He really did deserve all the treats. Over the past few days, he’s been helping me so much. It’s really hard to look at his adorable face and not smile. I definitely need a Biscoff Junior to take outside with me for emotional support. Lets just hope Biscoff shares his Easter Haul with me.

The Gifts I Got for Myself

I was just going to get myself some LUSH for Easter — so I did. But then my cluster headache episode started, and now I can’t have hot baths or be anywhere near strong smells. So all the lovely products I bought are now boxed up in airtight containers under my bed, waiting for the day I can actually use them without feeling worse. I’ll share them properly when I can enjoy them and they don’t just make me sad.

I’d picked them out after doing a “Self Care Sunday” post last week, and I think I’m going to make that a thing. Self Care Sunday. Just for me. I’ll only use LUSH products on Sundays, to make it feel special. Like a weekly event I can look forward to.

Since I couldn’t use any of the LUSH I was excited for, I ended up getting myself a second necklace, and the adorable bear mug I mentioned in my last post from town. I’m obsessed with it. I can wear my moon necklace and drink tea out of my bear mug — and those don’t affect my cluster headaches. Small wins.

To go with all of that — and the Self Care Sunday plan — I also got myself some TeaPigs tea to have in my new mug. Last time I bought Bird & Blend tea, and despite it tasting like hot water with the ghost of tea, I couldn’t afford to replace them right away with TeaPigs, so I just suffered through finishing them. I ended up having to use three tea bags per cup just to make it taste like tea. They were nice when I did that, but seriously — who can afford three tea bags per brew in this economy?

I got “Happy” tea, which is my current absolute favourite — and they’re apparently discontinuing it?! WHY. It’s the best one. I also picked up my old faithful Chamomile, and Pumpkin Spice Chai, which I’ve never tried before. All from TeaPigs, of course, the masters of tea. I’ll save my favourite blends for Self Care Sundays and keep the Chamomile for the rest of the week.

It felt important to give myself something that wasn’t food. I wanted to give myself something no-pressure, non-food, and comforting. Something that just said, “Here. You deserve nice things too.” I wanted to meet myself where I was at.

Although… I do have some food based news to share.

Easter Recovery Wins

Eating disorders make holidays really difficult. There’s so much pressure, especially when every holiday seems to revolve around food. I was determined not to let Clippy take this one from me. This is my second Easter in a relapse, and usually my Easters are full of hot cross buns. I couldn’t let myself go ANOTHER year without the fruity ones.

My recovery goal for this Easter was to eat a hot cross bun and some chocolate — just enough to feel like I took part. It may seem simple, but when you’re in an eating disorder relapse it isn’t simple at all.

I started with the hot cross bun. Marks and Spencer had brought out loads of new flavours this year, and when I saw the apple and cinnamon ones, I thought about how comforting they’d be toasted with melty butter.

It took a while to work up to it. I spent ALL day Saturday trying to find the courage. After dinner (and after my beans did absolutely NOTHING to quell the hot cross bun hunger), I finally went to the kitchen and popped one in the toaster.

The smell filled the whole flat — soft apple and warm cinnamon — and when I sat down to eat it, it was terrifyingly delicious. Terrifying because of how scared I was, but comforting too, all at the same time.

And it didn’t stop there. One DEFINITELY wasn’t enough — not emotionally, and not physically. The portion I always used to have was two. So I made another one. I shared it with Biscoff the bear, and I really did enjoy it.

Later, I felt like I needed dessert, so I went back into the kitchen and got Biscoff the bears Biscoff Dairy Milk out of the fridge. I broke off a row. Fed it to Biscoff first. Then fed it to myself. It was really nice — but definitely not enough Biscoff! You can barely taste it. It just adds that unmistakable Biscoff sugar-texture to the chocolate. Not bad, just not enough. Biscoff still enjoyed it, and so did I.

Clippy was angry. Of course he was. I was full of that familiar “what have I done?” regret, panicking that this normal-sized snack would send my weight spiralling. But at the same time — and maybe even more importantly — I knew I had completed my Easter recovery goals.

Everything All Wrapped Up Like My LUSH Is

Easter wasn’t easy.
I still feel sad that this is now my second Easter in a relapse.
The truth is, I thought it would be over by now. I thought I’d have fought my way out already.
But even so, I gave what I could.
I ate the hot cross buns. I ate the chocolate.
And I tried to hold onto the soft bits where they showed up — in Percy Pig related nostalgia of my adorable son, in the way Biscoff holds and nibbles his Biscoff, in tiny notebooks, and overpriced tea.

And what makes this even bigger — what makes it huge — is that I did it despite everything. After the week I had… after everything that happened on Good Friday, after the pain, the underfuelling, the exhaustion, the grief… I still ate. My eating disorder is my way of coping with the uncontrollable, yet I did the opposite.

Even when Clippy was loud. Even when I was scared. I still did it.

Let’s just hope: “This time next year, Rodney, we’ll be eating Millionaire’s Shortbread.”

But for now, Biscoff the Bear really helped me eat Biscoff and buns — and at least I can say, on my second Easter in a relapse:- I didn’t miss out entirely.

I hope all you lovely readers had a lovely Easter, and that yours was full of chocolate, hot cross buns, comfort and love.

Here’s a song dedicated to Biscoff the bear, and the chocolate heh