Despite all the chaos I’ve been through this week with that ridiculous vitamin D dose, I wanted to share the progress I’ve made in recovery from my anorexia relapse. There have been food wins, full on hokey cokey ambivalence, and a recovery path I’ve been slowly tailoring to actually work for me.

The Maintenance Wagon

In my last recovery update, I talked about getting on the “maintenance wagon.” The plan was to increase my intake by 100 calories a week to reach maintenance calories.

I have a few health conditions — reactive hypoglycaemia and a joint condition — which means that an “all-in” or fast refeeding approach doesn’t work for my body. In fact, it can be dangerous due to the risk of refeeding syndrome. On top of that, I don’t have a proper support team. I have a dietitian, but otherwise, I’m flying solo.

To increase my intake, I started by adding a portion of cheese to my usual safe dinner of baked beans. I did that for a whole week before I realised: this method just wasn’t working for me.

It felt too clinical, too calculated. And on the days I made the increases, I’d often fall into a binge–restrict spiral before managing to get back on track again. I also think I made a mistake by messing with one of my safest meals — it disrupted something that had been holding me together.

So… I needed a new way.

What I’m doing Instead

Instead of sticking to an exact 100 calorie increase every week, I decided to challenge fear foods and ED rules in a more flexible way — still aiming for 100 extra per week, but without obsessing over exact numbers.

For example: I might swap my safe dinner for a meal from Marks and Spencer. If that meal is 150 calories more than my usual, that day counts as a win.

If I can’t manage that the next day, I don’t beat myself up. I might try a 50 calorie increase instead. Or add 200 one day and leave the following day as is. It all balances out across the week and it gives me breathing room. It also allows for easier tracking to make sure I am increasing by 100 without being obsessive about it.

This approach feels more achievement based, too. Eating a Marks and Spencer meal feels like more progress than just putting extra cheese on baked beans.

It also means I’m directly challenging Clippy (my eating disorder voice), showing it that breaking its rules doesn’t lead to disaster. I’ve been doing this since last Thursday, after my second increase on Wednesday went terribly, and so far it’s been working so much better for me. It’s a gentler approach, but it’s also more empowering.

And yes — I’ve got some wins to share

Food Wins of the Week

Thursday was the Return of the Chicken Shawarma. I have posted here before how much I absolutely love the Marks and Spencer Chicken Shawarma meal. A few months ago, Clippy decided having this meal was “too much,” and I haven’t had it since. That’s when the safe dinner of baked beans became what I ate for dinner every day. I forgot how much I love Chicken Shawarma. I can’t believe I let Clippy steal this absolute deliciousness from me.

Friday was the Day of the Katsu Chicken Curry, another Marks and Spencer meal. It was delicious. This one was a really tough challenge.

Saturday I challenged Clippy’s protein bar rules. The protein bar I have is pretty dense, and I used to eat the whole thing, but again Clippy had decided at some point this was “too much,” and I’ve only been eating half of one. Not today though. Today I ate the whole bar. It was really hard, as I struggle with eating in the day — not just for ED reasons, but also because I just do not get hungry in the day. Saturday was a really bad day in terms of Vitamin D weakness. I just powered through hoping the protein bar might help.
I am obsessed with my Fulfil protein bars so despite the difficulty, I enjoyed eating a whole one. I actually prefer them to chocolate bars — they’re not as sickly, and they’re so satiating, and they’re reactive hypoglycaemia approved. Regular chocolate bars make me really ill in terms of my blood sugar. My favourite Fulfil bar is the white chocolate peanut caramel. It’s just so good.

Sunday, I tried the protein bar challenge again, as food shopping days are Mondays, so I had nothing left in my flat but safe food. I failed this challenge — I skipped the whole thing and ate nothing until dinner — but I made up for it later by adding an extra safe snack after dinner.

Monday, I ate an entire Greggs sausage roll. I have only been having half of one for the last few months, and then also skipping the meal after it. This was the double challenge: eat the entire sausage roll, and then DON’T SKIP the rest of my food. Clippy has a total obsession with me not eating a whole food item, it seems like. It should be illegal to only eat half a Greggs sausage roll. I really enjoyed eating my sausage roll with my son. I want to challenge some of the Greggs bakes next time.

The Hokey Cokey of Recovery

I wish it was as simple as that section sounds. I wish I could just leave it at “look what I ate, good for me” and move on. But it wasn’t like that. Every single one of those food wins had a whole mess of thoughts, fear, and negotiation behind it. That’s the part no one sees.

Anorexia isn’t about diet or food. It’s a mental illness. Throwing more food at it will only eventually restore my weight — it won’t touch the battlefield in my head. I know that too well, after being weight restored for 12 years and still having Clippy in my head every single day. I wish it were as simple as, “Look at me, I ate a sausage roll — now I’m cured.” That’s usually what the internet shows of ED recovery, but like most things on social media, it isn’t the reality.

The daily battles involve sitting on the sofa for hours — or even days — trying to build up the courage to eat something you used to love. Something most people don’t think twice about. And yet here I am, locked in the silent fight of my life, just to bring back a Chicken Shawarma.

It’s about having all the courage of V storming Arasaka Tower at night — thinking about having pizza with my son, wanting to feel present, wanting to live — and then waking up the next morning desperate to take two steps backward. Regretting everything. Restricting further. Feeling completely unrecognisable from the strong, brave person I was the night before. Pizza? No chance.

That’s what I mean by the hokey cokey. One leg in, one leg out.

After the Katsu Chicken Curry, I spiralled hard. Replacing my safe dinner two nights in a row really messed with me. I cried so much — not over the curry, but because of how difficult this is. I wanted to enjoy the meal. I wanted it to be just that — a meal. But instead, I was sat in guilt, regret, and fear. I wanted it to be over. I wanted to skip to the end of this part.

Clippy was SCREAMING in my ear about weight gain and losing control. I was exhausted — mentally worn down by the reality that even when I choose something, I still have to pay for it. Nothing feels free. It’s like the cost of living crisis, except it’s in my own head, and I’m just trying to meet my basic needs without going into emotional debt.

That’s why I wanted to split this post up. Because I am proud of the food wins. But they didn’t happen easily. They were fought for — physically, mentally, emotionally. Some days, I know I won’t be able to manage it. Like the protein bar day. But even then, I made up for it later.

It’s a constant battle. Of wanting to recover, and also not wanting to. Of hearing your own brain yell at you, and still trying to keep going anyway. It’s about being as strong as V one night, and wanting to crawl straight back into the safety blanket of your ED the next morning.

Oh, the hokey cokey. That’s what it’s all about.

Moving Forward From Here

Despite the battles and the ambivalent feelings I have towards recovery, this is still so much progress — even if I can’t always see it. Even if I’m crying after Katsu Chicken Curry.

Moving forward, I’m going to keep increasing this way. I love that I have visible achievements now — things I can look at and say, “I did that.” Next week, I’m going to try to keep the protein bar every day — or maybe focus on the evening meal again, since I managed that two nights in a row even though I had a meltdown over the curry. Then I’ll challenge another meal to make that another 100 calorie increase.

I’m actually excited to share the food wins on my blog. Once my calories are up quite a bit, I’ve thought of some fun, cute ways I could challenge meals — like “Eating the exact same as my son for a day.” I’m not there yet. I’m still working my way toward maintenance. But if I keep going like this — slowly, steadily — I’ll get there.

Recovery sucks. But I’m doing it anyway.

Recover so that one day, I can order sausage roll thrice:-