Grief, ED recovery, Mental Health and all the lovely things that give my Sisyphean rock meaning
I took the biggest D known to man—25,000 IU of swamp-flavoured regret—and somehow, today felt better. Between the compression leggings, noise-cancelling headphones, and bravery it took to put cheese in beans, I found a moment of calm. Not cured, just coping—with a little penguin, some wax melts, and hope.
Prioritising myself isn’t just a cute wellness trend—it’s necessary. Recovery isn’t waiting for perfect conditions; it’s making it work in reality. I’ve started structuring my days around what I want, creating comfort, and finding support in new places. It’s helping—but prioritising yourself isn’t always easy, or without grief.
I went from ultra-controlled to absolute chaos goblin in seconds. My body took over, demanding everything it had been denied. Peanut butter, Biscoff, sandwiches, cereal—MORE, MORE, MORE. And for the first time in a year, I was full. Then came the regret, the panic, and a realisation: something has to change.
Grief and relapse go hand in hand. The person I’d turn to for strength is the one I’m grieving. I’ve retreated into survival mode — the airlock, as I call it. It numbs the grief and quiets my thoughts, but it’s a trap. Right now? It’s where I am
In the quiet chaos of ED recovery, one bowl of cheesy beans becomes a battle cry. From airlocks and equilibrium to the bittersweet flood of emotions, this is a story of nourishment, resilience, and small victories that taste like hope. A journey back to life, one cheesey bean at a time.
Navigating life with an eating disorder feels like being trapped in an airlock, caught between the crushing pull of a black hole and the safety of my ship. Recovery is about survival, fear, and the hard choices to step through pain for freedom. Let’s explore the illusion of the airlocks safety together.
Having my castle collapse — and now rebuilding it — is the metaphor I’m using for my eating disorder and my recovery from it. Being concise isn’t exactly my strong suit, probably thanks to ADHD — I could talk for Wales! So I thought my castle-building updates deserved their own space. These posts won’t follow …
Continue reading The Night We Met – Castle Building Update – 10 November
Absurd Universe 