My son had the brilliant idea that my recovery should include trying all the Lotus Biscoff products I can find. By doing that, I realised I could challenge every rule and behaviour Corrupted Clippy (what I call my ED) has around fun foods. Clippy likes to make my life devoid of joy, happiness, and comfort, but I’m fighting back with Biscoff. It’s my special attack move.

So, without further ado, welcome to my Biscoff Recovery series, where I try every Biscoff product I can get my hands on. I’ll surely run out eventually, but then I’ll just get really creative with Biscoff spread – or more likely, buy stuff from Etsy bakers, because I hate cooking.

Biscoff Ice Cream

In a previous post, I talked about finding Biscoff Ice Cream in a random corner shop. I hadn’t even seen Biscoff ice cream before. I couldn’t buy it at the time because I was heading to Asda and it would’ve melted. But I did go back, and I did buy them. Victory!

Buying them was the easy part though. Eating them? Not so much. These ice creams are incredibly calorie-dense, and Clippy wasted no time listing all the other things I could eat instead because “they’re meal calories.”

But when I took it out of the packet and bit into it, it suddenly made sense why it was “so high”. The outer shell is chocolate with Biscoff biscuit pieces, then there’s a layer of Biscoff spread, and the ice cream itself has more biscuit bits. It’s the most Biscoff thing I have ever eaten.

I was genuinely so proud of myself. I’ve been struggling with low-volume, high-calorie foods, so this was HUGE. I was so proud, I even memorialised it: I made Biscoff the bear a macrame bow out of the lollipop stick. It had his name on it, after all. He looks dapper I think you’ll agree.

I’ve eaten another one – it’s a pack of three – but the last one is still in my freezer. I’m saving it for when the weather is so atrociously hot that I’d eat anything to cool down for five minutes.

Biscoff the Bear’s Ice Cream Rating: 10/10. Also: I got a new bow.

Biscoff Iced Latte

Greggs released a caramelised biscuit iced latte on their summer menu. I saw it as a giant sign – literally – it was advertised on a big screen above the LOVELY cashier. I was not going to let Clippy rob me of this drink like it did robbing me of the ability to try the Katsu Chicken Bake from their spring menu. (RIP.)

I’ve never liked Starbucks drinks with milk and syrup – they’re far too sweet and artificial. Even the milk foam tastes like UHT. But I still had hope this one would be different, so I ordered it. And, to challenge myself further, I paired it with a sausage roll.

Drinking calories is still REALLY hard for me. I’d previously written about how I managed to drink macchiatos, only for me to concede to Clippy and fall back to only drinking black coffee. I do like black coffee, but Clippy is always judging what’s “worth it,” and joy doesn’t count as a valid metric. Liquid calories are apparently NEVER worth it.

The “Day of the Biscoff Iced Latte” I’d gone to Greggs because my son – who hadn’t left the house in two weeks due to his crunchy foot – wanted some comfort food. I wanted to bring Greggs home to him. He had asked for a sausage roll and a drink too and I thought, I can’t think of anyone better to share this Greggs moment with. Maybe he’ll even be proud I finally ordered the drink I wanted, and that I too, had a drink and a sausage roll.

It was DELICIOUS. New favourite. New hyper fixation unlocked. The latte has the Biscoff-flavoured milk at the bottom, espresso on top, and you can swirl it with a straw to your liking, or not and leave them entirely separate. It wasn’t too sweet, it didn’t taste fake. It was perfect.

And I drank it and then ate a whole sausage roll. A drink and a FULL sausage roll. Not one or the other, together. I felt like a functioning human for a full five minutes. I went to Greggs and ordered what I wanted, and then ate it.

Yes, Clippy still panicked later and tried to negotiate some kind of calorie rebalancing treaty for the offense of consuming liquid calories, but the Biscoff joy was still dancing on my tongue and I tried to stay with that feeling.

I’ve now had it two more times. It’s become an unhealthy obsession, but one much more healthy than the ones I am trying to break. I want one every day. However, since I can’t afford to “give us this day our daily Greggs (unfortunately)” I had to come up with something I could make at home, and that’s when I came up with the Biscoff Macchiato.

Biscoff the Bear’s Latte Rating: 11/10. Added a bonus point for sharing with your son and his Build-a-Bear frogs.

The Biscoffee

I have a Tassimo machine and I love the L’Or Macchiato pods – dark, rich coffee, not too bitter, and the milk is actually creamy. So I thought: what if I Biscoffed it?

I melted a teaspoon of smooth Biscoff spread, ran the milk pod over it, whisked it, and then added the espresso pod. Perfection. Like the Greggs one, the layers stay a bit separate, which I now realise is very important to me (sweet and bitter must co-exist but never the twain shall meet).

Can’t wait to try this iced. I’ve named it: The Biscoffee. It’s in the regular rotation now – unless it’s a Greggs day. Hopefully I won’t get suckered back into black coffee thinking it’s more “worth it.” That’s Clippy. That’s not me.

Biscoff the Bear’s Biscoffee Rating: 8/10. You know you wanted to dip Biscoff biscuits in it fren. Try again next time.

Biscoff Biscuits with Biscoff Cream

I’ve had the vanilla cream filled ones before. They were disappointingly mid. But one day, my son and I were hunting for valuables in the middle of Lidl like we were contestants on Bargain Hunt looking for gold in a sea of canoes, but next to a giant fishing rod, I saw them – a line of Biscoff products.

And because it’s Lidl, they were “as cheap as chips” too – although that phrase may not work anymore in a cost of living crisis. Chips are expensive now. Especially if you cook them in liquid gold (also known as cooking oil).

They had the Biscoff spread filled biscuits, regular Biscoff biscuits, and Biscoff spread for half the price of Asda. We grabbed them all. I had IMPORTANT plans.

It had been really very hot in Wales, EVEN hotter in our flat which has been designed to keep heat in, and therefore turns into a sauna every summer. Waiting at home though, was a tub of Halo Top ice cream I’d been wanting to try. My son and I shared the whole tub and I added two Biscoff cream biscuits, melted Biscoff spread, and crumbled a regular Biscoff biscuit on top. It was absolutely delicious and I LOVED sharing it with my son.

Turns out, those Biscoff spread filled biscuits are not mid. They’re LEGENDARY. We ate the ice cream while watching JackSepticEye play Death Stranding 2 and I felt genuinely happy, even though I was still too hot as our living room had reached 35C.

I’ve always carried this leftover from my eating disorder – even while weight restored: I don’t eat for fun. I don’t eat for joy unless I’m genuinely hungry. “I don’t want popcorn with this movie, I’m not hungry”. And even if I did eat the popcorn because I was genuinely hungry, I’d adjust my meal later to make up for it. Food has always been function. Solve hunger. Solve maths. No fun.

But that day, it was about being there. With my son. With our bears. With a big bowl of Biscoff ice cream. And parasocially with JackSepticEye – and Norman Reedus delivering a kangaroo to a wildlife sanctuary. They all reminded me: sometimes food is about comfort, about cooling down on a sweltering day, about being present in a bonding moment with someone you love.

I still had the weird afterthought spiral: “Wait, is this comfort eating? Isn’t that bad?” I was told “food = fuel” so often in my last recovery that I took it literally – for twelve years. But honestly, in the history of humanity, food has never been just fuel. The belief that getting any kind of comfort from food = bad? That didn’t even come from Clippy. That came from medical professionals. From anti-obesity campaigns.

Biscoff the Bear’s Cream Biscuit Rating: 9/10. The ice creams still win. -10000 points to anyone who thinks food is just fuel. That’s sad, fren.

Putting the Scoff in Biscoff

Although nervous still, I’m excited to try more. I’ve already got a little Biscoff mountain forming (including Biscoff Milkybar from Australia, which is on its way). And yes, I will absolutely keep reviewing it with my calorie-fearful, chaos-goblin palate – and the help of my son and Biscoff the Bear, who is now an official famous food critic.

If you have a Biscoff favourite – branded or not – drop it in the comments so I can go on the hunt for it and eat it. Caramelised biscuit flavour products counts too.

Don’t forget to put the scoff in Biscoff. For comfort. For sweetness. And for the joy of sharing food with someone you love.